Life as I know it is on the back of a "yoo-hoo"..

I decided to mobile blog from my work email because I haven't had the
time and courage writing at home. Why? You ask?

Well, since the last time we spoke, I have made some changes to my life.
Are you ready for this? I AM MOVING TO NEW YORK CITY! That's right
girls! This girl is going to be become a Manhattan dweller very very
soon! Actually tomorrow is moving day!

The new pad is on the corner of 55th street and 7th ave. I work on 53rd
and 7th, so you do the math. Yup, exactly 2:14min door to door commute!
My condo is in NJ, so my commute to work before was 45 minutes door to
door. I am saving a whole lotta snoozing time and may even put on make
up at home! Right now I have my little 5 minute face bag at work, so
it's pretty minimum day to day stuff - power foundation, black eye
liner, mascara and some beige eye shadow.

Also, I have a roomate now. I can't afford the rent all on my own,
hello? No more big bonus working in Finance. My roomie is Indian, a
lawyer and eats ice cream by the pint. Don't know much about her yet,
but from what I have seen, so far so good. I don't expect us to become
best friends, but I do like the fact that she loves Daisy, not super
clingy and pretty down to earth.

What I'm going to do about my condo you say? I am so lucky that I found
a perfect tenant in 2 days! He's a 49 yo divorced dad of two girls.
Moved up from Boca Raton, FL with his clothes and his dog. Since I'm
moving from a 1 bedroom 1 bathroom to a shoe box, I am leaving behind
some funitures, and he is fine with the arrangement, since that means he
doesn't have to buy anything. Which works out great in both of our
advantages. He works in the city as well, making more than enough for
the rent. Owns a house down in FL, so he know what it feels like to rent
out a place, so he promised to treat my things as his own. Drama free,
responsible, pay rent on time, that's all I ask for in a tenant.

So yea, everything's done and squared away. Signed my lease, hired
movers, packed up my life in boxes, I'm good to go... there's plenty of
drama with the management office of the new apartment, I will save you
the time to read through it all, but basically, we had to spy our way to
their office, sat by their receiption area for 3 hours to finally get
our lease drafted on 7/31!, which is the day we were supposed to move
in! God, I'm so glad it's over with.

I have been meaning to write about my experiences getting over
depression, but didn't know where to begin. Once I got back from London,
I felt a lot better and kept myself busy with apartment hunting. It was
not easy being under that kind of stressed. Not to mention my period was
a week late! And I was totally freaking out! I had 3 days to rent out my
condo, otherwise I'd be paying double rent and mortgage for a month. So
all in all it was a very hectic 2 weeks for me. But because of how busy
I was, I forgot about my depression and anxiety. All I could think about
is what's the next step, what I need to do before I do that, blah blah.
In a way, I am so glad this kept me busy.

Now that it is all over and done with. My parents are very supportive.
They are with me all day, packing, sorting out any last minute things.
Without them, I don't think I'd have the energy to move! This is my
first time moving, and I can honestly say, it is one of the worst
feeling ever. Packing your life away in boxes.. It brings back so much
memeories.

Yesterday was a rainy day in NJ. My parents and I were packing. I was
fine packing my living room, my bedroom, my bathroom, then when it got
to the kitchen. I had a heart wrenching feeling that made my eyes a
little misty. All the time I spent at Bed Bath and Beyond buying kitchen
supplies to make my next master piece to share with my ex bf and
friends. When my mom broke one of the wine glasses my best friend gave
me as a farewell gift, my heart broke and I got so annoyed I yelled at
her. Though she was trying to help me pack, asking me do I want this, do
I want that, pack this or pack that, I was already so stressed out with
trying to figure out where everything goes and she was pushing me over
the edge. My mom seriously has a way to push my button, she doesn't even
have to try. If she helps, she's constantly talking, asking me thing,
even though I have already told her what to do. I literally say "put the
dishes in the box" and then she'll asking me one by one, this dish? This
dish? How about this one? You want to take this one too?

I try not to cry or feel sad about this move. I mean it is for the
better of me. I have always wanted to move to NYC. But I can't shake the
feeling of uncertainty and doubt. What if I don't like it? What if I
hate it? What if no one cares about me here? What if the friends I
though would be there, won't be there? I don't know the answer to these
things unless I experience it. I tell myself to just enjoy the moment
and the experience, and not to worry about the future. And if I really
do hate it, which I doubt, then I'll just move back! Right?

Oh and one little secret, I put up this whole act that I'm want to move
into the city for the "experience", but really, I just want to see if I
can find a Mr.Right or Mr.RightNow for the time being, haha.

Ok - I'm signing off. Going to the new apartment and check out how the
painting went. Then go home, pack some more. Tomorrow 9am, the
"yoohooo", as my mom says, is coming to pick me and my life up.

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Team dinner in London

My team went to La Tascas for tapas and sangria as my farewell. This
is my manager on the project. He said he didn't want me to leave
because he can't stangle me through the phone. Haha. Shows how much I
get on his nerve right. It's all good. Lol. :)

Back in NY and still feeling the pain..

Got back to NY Friday night, there was a thunder storm in the area, so my flight had to circle around for an extra half an hour before landing. about 10 mins before landing, I felt so sick due to the turbulance, almost threw up. I felt so nervous that the plane was shaking uncontrollably. I know I'm a pretty good flyer most of the time, but this time I was just out of it. I held on to my seat, breathe in breathe out and prayed to God. 

Now it's Sunday morning, I am in my apartment by myself. I got up at 8am, with no one but Daisy by my side. I thought I'd feel better by now, all the anxiety would be gone, but I still kind of feel it. I'm trying to ignore it. It only helps a little..

I'm going to get ready to head out to the city. My roommate made an appt to meet up with a broker to look at apartments. I want to say I'm excited, but I'm not.. Maybe it has hit me yet, but I am moving out soon, to Manhattan. But my mind is so consumed with anxiety, I can't think straight. 

I still feel anxious whenever I need to drive. It's the craziest thought, because I have been driving since 16, up and down Boston to NJ, 4 hour trips, all by myself. Never had a problem with driving, but right now, I feel anxious. Isn't it so weird? 

On a happier note, I did a tiny little bit damage at the Heathrow Terminal 5 Duty Free. I got 2 Guerlain Rouge G, it's only 19.95 pound! got some Clarin lipgloss and double fix mascara, b/c there was a promotion. I will swatch the Rouge G tonight. My skin's been so bad lately, but I did a FOTD today anyways, I will add to this post later on. 

bye for now. time to apartment hunt. 

Almost time to say goodbye London...

It's Wednesday night in London. I finished a hard day of work and met up with Jamilla for dinner at Caluccio's in Canary Wharf. I had such a nice dinner with her. She really makes me want to move to London! Oh, and she got a whole lot of goodies from Selfridge's, haha, I'm glad I didn't meet up with her in Selfridge's, otherwise I'd be spending my rent security money today! She's always wearing the shiniest DSK Jewlery. When we were shopping at Westfield's and we saw Swarovski on display, she pointed out to Jamal "honey, see this little thing is 65 pound! look, I got mine from DSK for 20! I'm not that big of a spender!" haha.. she's so funny with her shopping. Wish I had more time to hang out in London. But everything's beautiful because there is an end, right?

My flight home is Friday night 7:30pm. Can't wait to go to Terminal 5 Heathrow Airport to shop at the duty free! Oh, I can go get a free massage or facial from the BA Lounge too! I got a free massage last time, maybe this time i will try the facial. I am so spoiled for flying business everywhere. But this time I'm flying the Boeing 767, which is an older plane, so it's not as comfy. OH wells, i'll know next time to book my flights with the 747 instead.



this is the Marriott Executive Apartment I'm staying at Canary Wharf. It's by West India Quay, which is very close to my work and client site. There is are a lot of bars and resturants in the area. But Canary Wharf is a ghost town on the weekends, oh and everything closes at 7pm. Lame...


Executive Apartment is basically a 1 bedroom apartment with a kitchen and living room. Look at my mom at the kitchen making dinner. I'm so glad she came with me.


This is the living room area..


this is the Thames River.. I could be wrong though, there are so many rivers around here, I'm not sure which is which, hahaa.. they all seems to be connected.. I took this photo while waitting for the train on Sunday to go into Central London. The weather was so gorgeous that day, it's rare to see London in such good light. I almost fell in love..

that's my hotel on the right.. the stripe of lower building are all bars.. it's packed anyday after work... Londoners and their pint of warm beers, geez...

tomorrow is my last full day at work, need to close out some issues with my manager, document my work, go for a drink with my team, and pack my bags. time flies when you are having fun, that is so true! London.. I shall see you again.. =) thanks for treating me so nice this time around..

HEY MATE! Welcome to Lonnnndonnnn!

i thought i'd update before i get another comment threat. lol. jk! my life in london is pretty boring, just work, eat and sleep during the week. last weekend i went out to central London to eat dim sum, meet up with friends, oh and Jamilla! i'm staying at Canary Wharf by the way, it's a bit out of the way in East London, to get to central London takes about 20 minutes, but I'm just too tired during the week to make the trip. the above picture is me and my mom at the DLR station heading into the town!


the DLR station again.. i bought the green jacket at Zara for 40 pound. it's so cold in London, i had to buy new clothes! not an excuse.. well, not an entirely excuse. lol. there is no excuse for 3 pairs of shoes in 4 days, i know i know. but one of them was 15 pound! everything's on sale here!


my friend and i in the Tube station, oh god, the tube stations are so HOT! i was so sweatting balls in there. they should air condition the carts, just a thought. she and i went to Kilburn for some good chinese food.. yummm.. i finally had a decent meal in london.


Sunday I went to the Westfield mall in Shepard's Bush to meet up with Jamilla and Jamal. they are so great. we talked for 2 hours at an Italian cafe outside. it was gorgous weather, no rain at all. I really enjoyed my Sunday. Though I didn't get to shop in the mall, since it closes at 6pm. That's one thing lame about London, all the shopping closes so early!

Jamilla gave me a Cappuccino mug from Dubai, a magic carpet mouse pad and a Paul & Joe sister shirt, everything's so cute! My mom love the mouse pad, I decided to pass it onto her, since I don't need one for my laptop. Thanks Jamilla!

I am feeling much much better. I am even considering moving to London! isn't it insane? a week ago I was hating it here! I think it's the nice weather.. also my manager on this project is so nice, the entire team is so relaxed, i feel much less stressed out. I started eatting and sleeping normal, therefore, feeling better? I think moving to London for a year would be great, since I can use my weekend to travel around Europe. I don't know, we'll see what happens.. I think I'm just crazy right now... I should calm down and think it through, hahaa..

i <3 u all!!!

smile.. though your heart is aching.. smile.. even though it's breaking... when there are clouds in the sky..

you will get by...

since last night hearing michael's brother singing this song, it's been in my head over and over again.

today's been a great day. a better day. i know sometimes i sound like i take my life for granted. i've got a job, a healthy body, a great family and supportive friends. i know i'm asking too much from life and only placing my attention on the things i don't have. i only hate myself for thinking negatively and putting this burden onto my parents. i hate having them seeing my weakest saddest side.

days only get harder when i think i will never recover. but when i think i am just fine and there is nothing to recover from, i feel like tons of weight lifted off my shoulder and i felt free. no matter what it is, no matter how hard it is, i know, i will get by...


this is taken a while ago, when my best friend Judy was still living in NJ. i had just broken up with my bf, gone to overseas work assignment for a month, and came home to an empty apartment. i made it through then, i can make it through now. plus i have the daisy cutie to keep me going. i miss her so much.. my little tenderini <3

Cheers!

hello ladies, i'm in london right now. haven't updated in a week and lots have happened. first, i feel better today. today is my first day back in the office after the long weekend and starting on a new project. so in a way, it was good to get back into my work and concentrate. that made me forget about a lot of fears i had. i was quite busy in the office, 2 meetings on my first day and running around trying to get myself situationed with clients and colleagues, figureing out minor things such as printers, etc. it's good to excerise the mind.

last wednesday, i was planning on going to niagara fall with my parents until sat. but daisy, my little doggie baby, hurt herself in her sleep by scratching her right eye. i woke up and saw her couldn't open up her right eye. freaked out, sent to her the vet and got some drops for her eye. thankfully she's all good now, all happy and healthy. but i had to cancel my trip niagara fall. the 2 days i spent at home made my condition worse. i think sitting at home, doing nothing, is the worse thing you can do when you are depressed. because no matter what movie or tv you watch, all you are going to think about is how depressed you are.

so on friday, my parents took me to atlantic city. that really made a huge difference. i was feeling much better being outside. we just went to the boardwalk, took a walk with daisy. went gamble for a bit and had some food. it was simple, but it was good. i only wished that i had a boyfriend or close friend, so i don't need to bother my parents with taking me out. right now, i don't have a lot of close friends around, some things i'd rather not share with people. come to think of it, no matter how friendly and open i seem to people, a lot of things, especially depressing things, i'd rather keep to myself. in some way or form, i'm trying to keep up this imagine of "happy and funny" stephanie.

thank you all for your comments. some times i think i should release the comments, as it might help others to read the responses. i might open up those that do not say DO NOT MODERATE THIS COMMENT STEPH! haha.

i watched this video called "The Secret". it's derived from a book. have you guys read it? i always see it in the airport book stores, but never bought it because the cover looks like some vampaire scary stuff. but after watching the DVD i learned it is a self-motivation book. basically it teaches you to visualize, imagine and realize your dreams and desires. no matter what it is, if you just pretend you already have it, you will have it eventurally. i always knew that before you go to work or go to some important event, if you could imagine you deliver a successful speech or give a perfect interview, you will do well on it. before i go to interviews, back when i was in college, the night before my interview, i always have my little cards to practice my questions and answers, then i close my eyes and imagine the interviewer and my facial expressions and my responses to their questions. it really works.

sometimes it takes the lowest of all low for you to realize what you really want or need. i come to realize that what i used to want and need is not what can satisfy me anymore. therefore, it's a new chapter in my life, i need to act on it. god is telling me something by putting me through this. it's kinda of like "stephanie, get off of your lazy bum and get on with life! stop wasting your time away doing whatever it is that u r doing." i know i should do something but not sure what yet.. i feel like that's the hardest thing, to find a dream, a goal.

i have been reading the Dalai Lama's book, called "How to see yourself as you really are". it talks about compassion and self-knowledge. i suggest everyone to read a self-help book once in a while, it really help putting life into perspective. maybe i'm just depressed, everything's in perspective, hahahaa.. don't listen to me. seriously, don't listen to the girl who watched the michael jackson memorial and cried 5 times. i am so sensitive, it's not even funny, i have cried at least once every day for almost a month. yeaaaa.. i'm a hot mess, i know. lol

anyways, girls, again, thanks for all your comments and support. when i read your stories, i see a little bit of myself in every one of them. i guess we are all humans and suffer from the same pain. i love you all for your courage to share your story with me. thank you.