I can only fight one battle at a time

It's Monday night 8:31pm. I only had a bag of chips for food all day. I have been crying since noon, at work and all the way home and at home. my anxiety was at all time high, i felt like i was going to die laying on my couch.
I'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow to see if i should get on some medication. i know they'd recommand something, but I know this feeling of depression, I have experienced it before and I got over it. It was not pleasant, i was a mess, as i am a mess now. my head hurts, my limbs are numb, my stomache is in a twist, my heart hurts, i can't eat, i can barely sleep..
my therapist is telling me that even though it might cause me anxiety to take the bus or train, i should still do it. even though i have anxiety staying home by myself, i should still do it, because i shouldn't run away from it. because i need to go through staying home alone to know that i won't have an anxiety attack and that i will be ok. so through that, i can build my own confidence with staying home alone.
ok, i get it. i totally get this whole counter-anxiety tactic. it's like putting someone who's claustraphobic in an elevator for 2 hours, push their anxiety to the highest limit and thereby getting over it. but guess what, i am home every day by myself. i go through my days feeling lonely and can't concentrate because i am so terrified of going home alone. some day i am just so tired of fighting this battle. i just want to come home to someone. to know that someone care enough to say to me "listen, u r afraid of this situation, let's just deal with it one step at a time. i will be there, i will stay with u until u get better, because i believe u will be better one day. u just need a little help now."
everyday i feel like i can't back down. i can't be weak and just say, ok i give up, i don't want to go anywhere alone. i want to feel loved and cared for. most of all, i want that care and love from my parents. yes, friends help. but at this time, friends can only help me so much. they have their own lives, you know?
i feel so ashamed. so guilty for asking for help. because i SHOULD be able to deal with this ON MY OWN. but i am a fucking loser and an idiot, because i just asked my parents to come over to stay with me tonight. am i a fucking loser or what? a fucking 24 year old can't stay home alone! what a fucking ridiculous situation?
i beat myself every single fucking day because i can't get over this hurdle in life without some help. and i feel so fucking ashamed for asking for help. so it's this vicious cycle, where i am trying to get rid of my anxiety and depression at the same time.
my anxiety is caused by depressive thoughts that NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! i am all fucking alone on this earth. i am so incapable of dealing with life that one day i will end up taking pills every day to live and eventurally die like michael jackson, over dose.
i can't stop thinking like that. i feel like one of those junkies that takes drugs all day, no one can save them, but to watch him/her die. i am watching myself dying and i can't do shit about it! and i am not taking any drugs at all!
i have xanax and have been carrying it around, but i never took it, because i don't want to rely on it. so when the therapist told me i might need some medication to get over the depression, i was terrified, because i thought i'd be strong enough to fight it on my own, i don't want to get addicted to anti-depressants. it also made me feel ashamed that i cannot fight this on my own.

this weekend i was supposed to take a train to boston by myself, meet up with friends and go to maine to raft and sky dive. then on sunday night i will come back and pack for london, and leave for london 5:30am on monday. i was excited about sky dive and all that, but now.. not so much... because i feel extremely anxious thinking about taking a 4 hour train by myself, and then come back and fly to london by myself and stay in a hotel room for 2 weeks by myself. yes i know there are distractions, such as books, movies, hanging out with coworkers. but knowing me i would be so detached from reality, i wouldn't be able to focus on them.
i feel this enormous pressure to take on these 2 challenges head on. like I HAVE TO TAKE THE 4 HOUR TRAIN BY MYSELF BECAUSE IT WILL NUMB MY ANXIETY. and if i don't, i won't be able to go on this rafting trip and i will be a fucking loser, because i wasted a perfectly fun weekend because i can't take a fucking train by myself. also, i might be losing my job because i can't fucking fly and stay in a hotel room alone. those are going to make me feel like shit even more than i already do.
but god, this battle is so hard to fight. sometimes i just want to be like, ok, steph, u can't go to boston by yourself, then take it easy. ask your parents drive you, spend a road trip with them, who knows, they might like it. don't feel bad about it. you are just in a bad position in your life now, where you need a little bit help. it's ok. ask for help. don't feel bad about it. everyone needs a little help once in a while.
i want to take a leap towards wellness, but i know i'm far from it. so i'm going to take it step by step, baby steps. and stop beating myself up about it.

i am only strong enough to fight one battle at a time. please don't judge me because i can't take a train or flight by myself. i am just trying as hard as i can to not to take any pills. and even if one day, i need medication to get over my depression, i don't want to feel bad about it. people who have a cold takes medicine, just because i am not sneezing and coughing doesn't mean i shouldn't take medications. i am not eatting, not sleeping, i can't concentrate at work, i just need a little help. why do i feel so ashamed!!! stop feeling that way and just do whatever that can make u feel better, even if that means to have your parents staying with u for a few days. because one day u will feel better.. it's just that day is not today...

Life as I know it is gone.. The end.. The beginning..

Last Friday night, during a dinner with my parents, I broke down. I
really broke down. I've never seen myself like that, especially not in a
restaurant. I couldn't hide anymore. And I'm tired of running away from
it all. It's all too much to bear and I just had to break it down for
them. I'm sure it was hard to watch as parents, to see your only child
in so much pain. I'm sure in their hearts, they've felt guilty of not
being the best parents they can be. Actually I am not so sure how they
felt, because the responses I got from my mom was especially heart
wrenching for me.

I asked my mom to just listen to what I had to say.. "mom, I just want
to tell you how much I love you and be around you. But sometimes it is
hard to be around you because I feel like I am never good enough. I feel
like if I don't do the things you want me to do, then you won't love me
anymore. All my life, I lived my life to your standard just so you won't
stop loving me. To be honest, I think I've lived your life to the
fullest and the best of my ability, and now, I am lost, because I don't
know what I want anymore. I finished school with honor, I got a job in
an investment bank in Manhattan, I lost weight, my skin cleared up,
people tell you I am successful and beautiful, and I really think I've
made you proud. But what now? Now that I've given you everything you
wanted, I don't know what else to do anymore. I am so lost. Every
decision I make, the first thing I think about is "is it right or
wrong?". Because I'm afraid of making decisions that are wrong by your
standard. You tell me to do whatever makes me happy, I wish I knew what
made me happy. Because what made me happy was to make you happy. And
some times I feel like I am not doing the right things and I am not
pleasing you enough, and eventually you are going to stop loving me
because I am not good enough. I just want to know that you are going to
love me no matter what, if I am sad or happy, if I am fat or skinny,
that I am your daughter no matter what."

Her response to me is "I don't know why you are asking so much from me.
You make me worry about you all the time. I spent 22 years of my life
working hard to make sure you have the most comfortable life I can
afford. I thought once you graduate from college I can have my own life
back. And look at what you are doing now, you are making me worry. I
don't know how much I can take anymore, sometimes I feel like you don't
need me, sometimes I just want to help, but why are you blaming me for
everything? I do so much for you and for this family. I'm not happy
either, I don't know what else I can do to make you happy, can you tell
what you want me to do?"

"mom, maybe sometimes less is more. Maybe you don't even have to do
anything. Just be there. Be my mom."

My tears were unstoppable and I couldn't even speak anymore. My mom was
crying too. It was a heart wrenching moment, yet I still can't believe
how selfish my mother is. I am the cause of all her anxiety, I am the
problem she's trying to solve, I am the person who have brought all
these worry upon her. I was never seen as her daughter, I was seen as
her little project on how well she is doing with her life. I am the
trophy and embarrassment at the same time.

She says "I know how much you understand me. I know you are hurting too.
I know when you are being fake, I know when you are being truly happy.
Maybe I have given you too much pressure and caused you pain. I know
what I've done. But what could I do to change that? What do you want me
to do? I think I've done everything I could, I can't do much anymore. I
am getting old."

Maybe I didn't make myself clear. Maybe she's dealing with a lot of pain
too. I wish I knew how to tell her she's the best mom I could ever have
and that she's done a great job raising me. She didn't have to go
through lipo to be skinnier, she didn't have to go on a diet to loose
weight, I am proud of her being my mom each and every day. I just want
her to be healthy. If being skinnier makes her happier, I support her
100%, but she never had to do that just so other would see her as a
better person. No one is perfect, it's even annoying sometimes when
someone is THAT perfect. Let your flaws show, it lets people know you
are just human too. Stop fixing people, stop fixing yourself, there is
no end to that. Making me the best, most beautiful, smartest girl only
gives her the satisfaction from OTHER people. And now that I have this
depression, she's ashamed that I am not "perfect". She's done making a
perfect but sad daughter.

Now that I have come to a conclusion where my anxiety and depression
comes from. I just need to move on. It's easier said than done.
Currently I am still feeling very helpless and hopeless. I am lost. All
the signs of direction are gone. I am left on this earth feeling
pointless. Some days I really feel like I should just die. If I am dead
I wouldn't have to deal with this. Living, in another word, has become a
burden to me.

I have received so much help and support from friends, coworkers, even
strangers. It feel good in someway to let people in my world and let
them see, I am not always that funny, bubbly and optimistic. But
sometimes I am so sick of talking about this problem because it has no
solution. At least, no solution from others can help me. Only I can help
myself. Only I can dig myself out of it. So instead of looking at it as,
ok now I've found the root cause, now what? I am going to look at this
as the beginning of my new life. I don't know where it's going to take
me. I don't know if I will ever feel better. But I will try. I am almost
certain god made me go through this for a reason. I am certain that I
have learned something profound about life through this experience. I've
hit rock bottom and the only way out is up.

I'd like to thank everyone who've left a comment. It really made me
think. Some made me happier, some made me sadder, but all of them have
touch my heart deeply. Thank you. One day, I will smile again.. I
promise..
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Maybe it really was just the rain

I felt like shit for the past week or so and totally blamed it on the
rain. I know god must be rolling his eyes at me, but really this
constant rain in NYC is bring me down. When I told my therapist I
think I'm just reacting to the rain, he said no, u r dealing with
something else. Something deeper. I can't seem to put my finger on
exactly what's causing all these irrational thinking, but I knew it
had to do with the weather. Th feeling of not being able to find the
cause to my misery is, well, contributing to my misery.

I'd like to thank all of you who reached out to me in the last post. I
won't post all the comments as some are very personal. But boy did I
have a good cry on my way to work, reading all that. I'm so thankful
for technology. Bill gates is my hero for enabling us communicating
via computer and internet. I've always been ashamed of looking for
help because that's a sign of weakness to me. But my blog has help me
to put my story out there without u guys having to understand my words
through my sobs and snots.

NYC weather clear up in the afternoon and my mood is significantly
lifted. I feel so calm. My hands r not sweating, my heart is not
pumping out my chest and I am not shaking. I am able to concentrate
and feel a sense of control and confidence. I'm afraid this feeling
will leave me. I don't to go back to the obsessive thinking of
depressive life. But for now, for just these 3 hours of calm and
blissfulness, I am thankful.

It is not fair normal people get to feel like this everyday.

Oh. Did I tell u I am going on 2 dates this wknd? I have not gone on
one single date since I broke up with my ex. Although I know nothing
is going happen with these two gentlemen, I'd still like to get to
know them over a glass of wine. Hey who says they have to be bf
material? We can still be friends right?

Talk to u soon ladies. Hope the sun is shining on ur side of the
town. :)

- Stephanie

depression..

it's not news to everyone that i see a therapist and the reason for it is i have anxiety disorder. i don't like being victimized as someone suffering from mental illness, however, i am not going to run away from the fact, i could use a little help in that area.

anxiety and depression are like every other emotion we feel, such as happiness, pleasure, and fear, everyone feels it and it comes and goes. i had my first anxiety attack, though i didn't know at the time, at the age of 6 or 7. i woke up from a nightmare and was freaking out. it was a sleep over night at my friend's house, i woke up in cold sweats and shook her hoping to wake her up, she didn't. so i ran out to the living room and start knocking on her parents or grandparent's door. at the time, i thought it was just a nightmare or separation anxiety from my mom. now i know, it's more than that, it was an anxiety attack.

my last big anxiety attack was of NO REASON. i was sitting in my living room talking on the phone with my ex, and all of a sudden, i felt like i was going to die. i couldn't breathe, my hands were shaking and sweating, and i was gasping for air. the world was spinning and seriously i thought i was going to pass out.

went to the ER, they told me i was fine and sent to a psychaitrist on site, he prescribed Xanax for me. i took it maybe once or twice, it really just made me feel calm, sleepy and relaxed. i thought to myself, it's just all mental, i can battle through it. for a yr and a half, i didn't see a doctor, didn't take any xanax, just kind of dealt with it on my own.

when u feel like u r going to die out of no where for no reason, you start to fear you will have that feeling any where any time. my mind was consumed with the anticipation of anxiety attacks. slowly, depression followed. i lost interested in everything i do, i couldn't concentrate when i'm at work or with friends, i couldn't figure out the meaning of life and yet can't stop asking myself, everything was sad and depressing to me. i cried most of the time. and hated life. i truly felt living was suffering and dying would be easier. i could not understand why are we put on this earth to LIVE? why do we go to work? why do we buy food? why do we talk to friends? why do these to just LIVE? it seemed purposeless to me.

i know it sounds insane and makes no sense. but i am obsessed with thinking of this "life" questions. about 8 months ago, i decided to see a therapist and psychaitrist. no particular event triggered. i was just sick of feeling like shit every single day. i wanted to know WHY?

8 months later, i am now back in the black hole called depression, or in my therapist's words, moderate depression. he suggested i go on some kind of medication. he also suggested, i have phobia of being alone. right now, i don't know what to think. i don't want to believe him, i hate that he labeles me with these medical terms. i do not want to rely on medication yet, i am not ready. i do think i am strong and smart enough to work through whatever it is that's truly bothering me.

this may seems like a senseless post, but i am really on here to help myself get through this. i want to keep writing, whenever i feel the need, about my feelings through this depression, to see how i've evolved out of it. so that i can see for myself how i got through it. for anyone, all the women, out there suffering from anxiety and depression, please write to me. i want to know your stories, i want to remain hopeful. and for anyone who's suffering this in silence, please do know, you are not alone.

i believe in my heart, life is full of hope, happiness and love that we deserve. but at this particular point of my life, i see the world as sad, depressing and meaningless place. i do know i am just stuck and i can work on it to get out of it. i am not against medication, i just am not ready for it yet. whatever that happened to me during my life and how my brain processed my feelings is not something i can process, but i can change how i react to those things now. i can unlearn all the negative feelings and relearn how to face my fears.

for all my readers, i am still the old stephanie, i can still crack a joke. but i am also real, and i am dealing with real problems now that really doesn't involve much with makeup, however, i believe it is related to beauty, the kind of beauty you can only get from dealing with life and living through struggles. i hope my posts won't bring you down, i just hope my writing can help someone out there who's feeling hopeless, helpless and powerless, to know that you are not alone.

i know at my darkest moments, a smile from a stranger, a hello from friends, a comment from you is all that i need to see the beauty of life.. and this is what's keeping me going.. this is what's giving me hope...

thank you... to those who've been there with me through it all..

1 Month

exactly from the last time i updated. i've disappeared from the blogging world, but never assume i wasn't lurking around ladies! i do keep up with everyone's blog, i just cant comment.

i think my lack of update is due to the slightly "depressing" mood i have been feeling lately. nothing really excites me. i have not opened any thing i bought from my trip. i wore make up twice in the past month. overall, i just feel like a big ass "WHAT THE POINT?!"

it's been raining every day for 2 weeks in NY. my mood is already dampened, now so are my clothes, and my hair. well, enough of the pissy talk. everyone's got good days and bad days, i just tend to experience the bad days more than the others. life is full of obstacles, so let's grab the bull by the balls and get on with it!

news!
1 - i'm moving into the city, manhattan. looking for a roommate and a room. so any of you ladies want to move to manhattan, holla at me. as long as u r ok with living with a 10lb shih tzu, everything else we can talk about.
2 - i'm going to london for work for 2 weeeks in july. y'all know how much i LOVE london, NOT!! it's probably gonna suck ass like every time i've been there. but i will try to make the best out of it. hopefully meet up with jamilla! and definitely buy my first Rouge G at the duty free.
3 - my hair is fried to no ends. i permed my hair in china, and went to bali to surf and dunk my head into hot spring. yea real smart. so it's really frizzy and super annoying now. i have nappy ass hair, and i don't know how to deal with it. so i think i might have to cut it. but it's so long now and i love my mermaid hair...
4 - life sucks.

that's about it ladies. i don't my vent to bring anybody down. it's just life as is. what chu gonna do? my therapist told me what i am feeling now is usually what people don't get to feel until their first divorce. i tell ya, $30 a session with the old man, and he actually said something enlightening. thanks dude, i will just get on with my post divorce life at 24. fan-fucking-tastic.