update: i slept 12 hours last night. literally, went home, changed into my pjs. ate a shit load of mapo tofu and rice. laid down to digest at 7:45pm, and didn't wake up until 1:30am, watched a little tv with H, went back to sleep at 2am and woke up at 8am this morning. refreshed? HELLZ YEAH! my body and mind goes out of wack whenever i'm on my period and it's like a big black hole that just sucks me in. makes me hate myself, doubt myself and I simply turn into a devil.
i'm not going to sit here and pretend everything's fine and danty when it is not. work is stressful. i'm always juggling 3-4 projects at the same time. i like to dismiss it saying i hate myself and i don't do shit at work. but the truth is, if i don't do it, no body will. my head's on the chopping block at all times. it'd be nice if i received a little bitty bit of appreciation from that short little vietnamese boss from hell. i guess big ego makes up for small ****. that SOB is so going to get it whenever i quit. i can't wait till my exit interview. from now on, i'm going to keep a journal of everything single little shit he does wrong. that mofo piece of shit.
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i don't want to close my eyes and pretend i don't see all the mess (sorta a chinese saying: if your eyes don't see it, your heart won't be stressed)
so i'm going to just list it out like i do my to-do list:
1) my grandmother, also my last living grandparent, passed away the weekend before the 4th. she had a blood vein popped in her brain, spent 10 days in ICU and decided to go back to her hometown, which is about 8 hour drive away, and died on the way.. my dad, mom, aunt and a cousin was with her. she was 84. i believe she lived a very good life and that she was with all the people who loved her when she passed away. I'm just sadden that I wasn't with her and the last time I saw her was May 2007. I didn't know about the news until my cousins IMed me on MSN. Prior to all these, when I knew she was in ICU, I thought, I'd definitely know if she passed away, b/c I will dream about her. I feel guilty that I didn't dream about her on the night she passed away. The past week, every night, I went to sleep thinking she'd coming and say good bye to me. I just needed that closure. She came, on Monday, in my dream, she said down by my dining table and said she's going to move in with me. Sounds scary, I know, but I felt so warm seeing her. I had no problem that she brought all of her luggage and was ready to move in. I just wanted to see her and that means she didin't forget about me.
2) I couldn't sleep very well for the past few days. I'm worried about my GMAT. I took it back in May and got 620. Not good enough for me nor the schools I want to apply to. So I decided to pick it up again after July 4th weekend. Still, I haven't started studying yet. I'm afraid. Scared of studying. B/c i'm scared of failing my own expectations. I hate myself for being so negative all the time. Thereby, stressed out.
3) One more person left my team. We went from being 7 to now 4 people left. Which means more work and no appreciation. What's even more annoying is that I will have to work with the VP (my "real" boss) directly now. I've mentioned before, he doens't like me. He really doesn't know my existence, even though we have only 4 people on the team. it's funny, b/c he talking to the AVP right now and I sit next to her. He's giving her 3 free tickets to see a play, he's asking the AVP and the 2 seniors. He didn't even bother asking me. It's so heart warming knowing your boss doesn't even know you are there. I guess I must be donig something really good for him to hate me so much.
stress, will never go away. all you can do is, acknowledge it and move on. so i say, hello stress, thanks for visiting, don't make yourself too comfortable, you'll be outta the door once i'm done with my period. =)
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5 comments:
i'm sorry to hear bout your grandma. i'm glad you did get to dream of her. i hope you have more dreams with her.
as for your gmats.. I know the stress of big tests and I can say that you feel a lot better once you're actually studying. it's better to fail knowing you tried than failing because you didn't. I know you this already, but here's my helping shove to you. I know it's hard to get to crackin the books instead of just sitting and worrying.
stress sucks. that's why we girls have retail therapy.
i'm sure you'll do fine on your GMATs! I mean you got a 620 with minimal studying done. i still yet have to open my book. i bought it and never bothered opening it.
i'm sorry about your grandma passing away. she's in a better place now. and that's nice of her to drop by in your dreams.
Sorry to hear about your grandma love, I hope things get better for you, I hate stress, it's such a bitch.
Sorry about your grandma. It was good to see her even just in your dreams.
With that pressure, it's natural to feel scared. But regrets are worse though. If you give it your best shot, I'm sure you'll feel better no matter what the result is.
It's hard to work for a boss like that. I can't imagine lasting so long like you did. He must know you exists, and he must have a reason why he's ignoring you.. no, he's just a jackass for not even showing any signs of appreciation towards you. Definitely list everything he does wrong. That's what my aunt told me to do when I started working.
Sorry to read about your grandma.
Hugs.
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