just because you wear a suit

doesn't mean you know about bathroom etiquette.

I don't care what kind of Hermes belt, Armani suit and Ferragamo shoes you got on, once you are in the bathroom, you are just like everybody else. you pee and you shit and if there is someone in there with you, you tone down the thunder a little bit. Girlfriend, nobody needs to hear the thunder, we all hear the rain and the hail, you know what i mean?

For the past couple of days, I've been having major gas. I can't let it ripe in my not so private cube, so I head to the bathroom. And every single time I go there, there is someone there. So I flush the toliet and let the noise cover my "bomb". There is nothing I can do about the smell, but to let it air out, so you are on your own about that.

But OMG, this lady that was in the stall next to me RIPED A BIG ASS BOMB LIKE FREAKIN' BIN LADEN! Good lord, there was freaking echo coming from the toliet bowl. Damn woman, the fuck you eat? super sized burrito? Feeling inferior to her B52 bomb, my gas just queefed out. So I'm sitting there thinking, omg, she knows i'm here right? is she about to take a shit, cuz i got the urge to shit too.

thus beging the battleshits. 10 seconds passed by.. i rolled some toliet paper to signal i might be leaving soon... she's still sitting there... i hear her sliently doing the "uhhhhh" try to put that dry ass crusty shit out. i'm sitting there thinking, ok now, here we go, i'll flush again and my shit will go, my fart will go, i'll be done. just when i was about to push the handle, her fucking super sized bean burrito fart hit me in the face. now i'm using the toliet paper i just rolled to cover my nose, and one hand on the handle, my ass is ready to shit. "sshhhhhhh" after the flush... my shit still hasn't came out. cuz of her damn funky ass fart scared my shit away~~!

i'm sitting there thinking, i surrender. i wiped my ass and flushed. went to wash my hand real quick, then that bitch started dropping nuclear bombs. you hear all that hail dropping in the water, it's like a black hawk flying by dropping bombs in vietnam. and she release a long sigh... DA FUCK? YOU CAN'T' WAIT ANOTHER 14 SECONDS TO RELEASE THAT SHIT? i'm running out the door and could totally imagine the smile on her face.. what a fucking bitch, i fucking hate people like that, why can't they just do a slient one? why can't they have some kind of manner in the bathroom? if you work a corp job, your first assignment is to get the slient fart and quick shit down to a TEE, darling! apparently, that bitch didn't do her homework. now i'm pissed and still hasn't shitted.

then i tried to go another bathroom about 1 hour later. as i got up, i saw my mgr got up too. then she started walking the same direction as me and of course WE WENT TO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER! doesn't it always happen that way? bathroom bonding time with mgr always comes at a time when you need to do #2?

anyways, she started chatting up with me about what i'm doing for the wknd, bluh bluh.. then she got in the stall next to me! argh, fine. i'll wait. then she started talking to me through the stall wall! do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to chat with your mgr about shoes while pissing? "oh is that your new shoes?" (she can see my feet on the bottom of the wall, since it's open), "uh.. no... i had them for a while.." "they look really nice, it's very similar to mine" (she sticks her feet over a bit) I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING SHOES WHEN I'M TRYING TO PISS! i just wanted to squat down and piss on her fucking shoes. "oh yea, nice.. "

so she rolls her TP, flushes her toliet. then she continues on to chat with me on the outside while i'm still in the stall waitting for her to leave. "i'm going to a baby shower this wknd. it's in the suburbs, i'm so scared of going go the suburbs, it's like there is NOBODY there? you know what i mean? the city has so many people, i'm so used to it. blubh lubh"

while using my pushing my shit out voice (low rusty voice) "I HOPE FUCKING LEATHER FACE CHASES YOU DOWN IN THE SUBURBS AND SAW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OPEN WITH HIS CHAIN SAW, YOU FUCKING STUPID BITCH!! LEAVEEEE!!"

it'd been nice, wouldn't it? but no, b/c i have bathroom etiquette, i wait. she finally left and i pushed my first born baby. so nice and brown, nice coiled shape sitting at the bottom of the bowl. AAAHHHHH... feels like heaven...

ain't that a great way to start your Weekend? empty bowel and not seeing your office bitches for 2 days? AND going up to Boston for some nice grub????

hellz yeah! peace out my chicas~