life is like getting raped...

if you can't fight it, you might as well enjoy it.

i have no problem laying there and close my eyes to "enjoy" it.. but the least life can do is doing it right...

pretend i'm ok with everything in my life is a lie i'm so used to, i actually think it is reality. let's see what i hate about my life..

1) my job
2) the people i work with
3) some of the people i *sadly* have to call "friends"
4) that i have no place to call "home"
5) constant nostalgia of the past happiness, b/c the present is too hard to bear.

i hate my job, but i need my job to pay for my mortgage, b/c the mortgage buys me a condo by the Hudson River with a view of manhattan, so i suck it up and do the boring job. I want more money so i can afford things, so i suck it up even higher and pretend to care what my coworkers have to say about their weekends, kiss up to the boss and make his 5'4'' self feel a bit taller. so i do this for... MONEY? days on end, i have no idea what i'm doing sitting in front of the computer 8 hours a day. i check blogs every hour, read CNN 3 times a day, bookmarked perezhilton and tmz. i kinda of just sit here and zone out. have you watched "Wanted" with Angolia Jolie? I'm like the guy that became an assassin. Small little cube, annoying ass managers and coworkers. some days i get so much aggression built up, i go to the bathroom and cry... of course, while some old lady in purple suits farting up a storm in there. then you realize, wow, this is it. this is what i do, e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y. And THIS is probably what i'll be doing for the next 50 years of my life. fantastic~

then there are some friends that you are embarrassed to call friends. the ones that's never there for you, but once they need a hand, the first one they call is you. i have experienced being "used" if you prefer that term. but most of the time when people try to use you, they at least call you, take you out to lunch and try to kiss it up to you. but then there are some friends whom you thought were true friends turn their backs on you. for the 18 months i've suffered from anxiety attack and depression, i'd say no one was there for me for the purpose of "watching out" for me. it sucks when your anxiety attack is triggered by loneliness, b/c then i'd try to call people to ask them if it's ok they come over spend a night or just chill for a bit, then you hear the excuse of "i'm already in pjs, i don't want to go out, why don't you just take one of those pills. you can't get better if you constantly ask people to be there for you." i suppose i got better b/c i was alone and went to the ER. this is the same person who said to me "i'll be there for you whenever you need me, just give me a call" well bitch, the next time your phone rings, it'll be from a police. i wish i could become a ghost and just haunt them when i'm dead. that'd be awesome.

i moved to US when i was 11. so i've spent about half of life in china and half of my life in US. since my grandma passed away, i've been thinking what would her country house look like. will they renovate it more or sell it? the house was bought the same yr i was born. there was a chicken cage upstairs, where we get our fresh eggs everyday. i remember trying to reach for the eggs and the chicken would always peck me. so my grandma made a little stick with a bar on it, so i can get the egg w/o the chicken attack me. there was a small garden up front, with grape vine/tree running up the tent. we grew scallion, chives, all kinds of herbs in there. i used to always step in there during the afternoon nap when everyone was sleeping, my grandma would tell me if i did that again, the earth worms would bite my leg and i'll have to chop my leg off. since then, not one step into the garden. i miss home. the vague concept of a place where i felt safe and warm. i didn't have to pretend to be anybody else but me. i miss the feeling of having a family. having aunts, uncles, and cousins. no matter how much you hate them or they are getting on your nerves, they are still family. don't take it for granted.


One thing that I hate/love to do is to look back at old pictures of my college years. I love it b/c i get to see a real smile, a true laughter and all the friends i've made and now don't have contacts anymore. i love it b/c in that one moment in time, all those people were in my world, sharing a piece of my memory. and I, too, was in their world. What a great feeling to be accepted in someone's world, so openly, without any fear or caution. it was love before we all knew what love was. it was friendship in its purest form. it was a great time in my life. I hate it b/c it reminds me how sad I am with my life right now, reminds me of all the promising things coming our way back then, and once we all got what we wanted, we realized we've lost what was the most important to us. i hate seeing them b/c it reminds me how happy i COULD be, the potential to be able to wake up each day and welcome the world with a big ol' grin. i hate it b/c i lost it. i hate it b/c i don't have it anymore. and there is no way for me to reverse my life so i could undo all these years of harm by the human society.

I am not ok with these things. It is unacceptable in my world that my life is not going to way I want it to be. But slowly, I've gotten used to the fact that life will not always go your way, and it will not be fair, so i better get on some thick skin and accept that this is life. Slowly, I'm forgetting my dreams. I stop doing what I loved doing. I cant seem to find what I enjoy to do anymore. I can't seem to find one thing that will block the fact that I am a failure in my own world. We all had drives, dreams, and motivations. 2 years in the corporate world will erase ANY dream you have had, if you allow it to. It's the feeling that you are fighting every day for your innocense, but the world just takes it away without a blink. It's to try to hold on to the last trace of happiness, when all things in life are soaked with sadness.

I've tried, trust me. I've tried to look up on the brighter side. I'll just accept this as a quarter life crisis. just a phase in my life that'd go away eventurally. but honestly...

i don't know if i will ever be truly happy again...