is my manager on the project. He said he didn't want me to leave
because he can't stangle me through the phone. Haha. Shows how much I
get on his nerve right. It's all good. Lol. :)
Givenchy Fall 2026 Makeup Collection
3 days ago
Monday, July 20, 2009
Team dinner in London
is my manager on the project. He said he didn't want me to leave
because he can't stangle me through the phone. Haha. Shows how much I
get on his nerve right. It's all good. Lol. :)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Back in NY and still feeling the pain..
Got back to NY Friday night, there was a thunder storm in the area, so my flight had to circle around for an extra half an hour before landing. about 10 mins before landing, I felt so sick due to the turbulance, almost threw up. I felt so nervous that the plane was shaking uncontrollably. I know I'm a pretty good flyer most of the time, but this time I was just out of it. I held on to my seat, breathe in breathe out and prayed to God.
Now it's Sunday morning, I am in my apartment by myself. I got up at 8am, with no one but Daisy by my side. I thought I'd feel better by now, all the anxiety would be gone, but I still kind of feel it. I'm trying to ignore it. It only helps a little..
I'm going to get ready to head out to the city. My roommate made an appt to meet up with a broker to look at apartments. I want to say I'm excited, but I'm not.. Maybe it has hit me yet, but I am moving out soon, to Manhattan. But my mind is so consumed with anxiety, I can't think straight.
I still feel anxious whenever I need to drive. It's the craziest thought, because I have been driving since 16, up and down Boston to NJ, 4 hour trips, all by myself. Never had a problem with driving, but right now, I feel anxious. Isn't it so weird?
On a happier note, I did a tiny little bit damage at the Heathrow Terminal 5 Duty Free. I got 2 Guerlain Rouge G, it's only 19.95 pound! got some Clarin lipgloss and double fix mascara, b/c there was a promotion. I will swatch the Rouge G tonight. My skin's been so bad lately, but I did a FOTD today anyways, I will add to this post later on.
bye for now. time to apartment hunt.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Almost time to say goodbye London...
It's Wednesday night in London. I finished a hard day of work and met up with Jamilla for dinner at Caluccio's in Canary Wharf. I had such a nice dinner with her. She really makes me want to move to London! Oh, and she got a whole lot of goodies from Selfridge's, haha, I'm glad I didn't meet up with her in Selfridge's, otherwise I'd be spending my rent security money today! She's always wearing the shiniest DSK Jewlery. When we were shopping at Westfield's and we saw Swarovski on display, she pointed out to Jamal "honey, see this little thing is 65 pound! look, I got mine from DSK for 20! I'm not that big of a spender!" haha.. she's so funny with her shopping. Wish I had more time to hang out in London. But everything's beautiful because there is an end, right?
My flight home is Friday night 7:30pm. Can't wait to go to Terminal 5 Heathrow Airport to shop at the duty free! Oh, I can go get a free massage or facial from the BA Lounge too! I got a free massage last time, maybe this time i will try the facial. I am so spoiled for flying business everywhere. But this time I'm flying the Boeing 767, which is an older plane, so it's not as comfy. OH wells, i'll know next time to book my flights with the 747 instead.
this is the Marriott Executive Apartment I'm staying at Canary Wharf. It's by West India Quay, which is very close to my work and client site. There is are a lot of bars and resturants in the area. But Canary Wharf is a ghost town on the weekends, oh and everything closes at 7pm. Lame...
Executive Apartment is basically a 1 bedroom apartment with a kitchen and living room. Look at my mom at the kitchen making dinner. I'm so glad she came with me.
This is the living room area..
this is the Thames River.. I could be wrong though, there are so many rivers around here, I'm not sure which is which, hahaa.. they all seems to be connected.. I took this photo while waitting for the train on Sunday to go into Central London. The weather was so gorgeous that day, it's rare to see London in such good light. I almost fell in love..
that's my hotel on the right.. the stripe of lower building are all bars.. it's packed anyday after work... Londoners and their pint of warm beers, geez...
My flight home is Friday night 7:30pm. Can't wait to go to Terminal 5 Heathrow Airport to shop at the duty free! Oh, I can go get a free massage or facial from the BA Lounge too! I got a free massage last time, maybe this time i will try the facial. I am so spoiled for flying business everywhere. But this time I'm flying the Boeing 767, which is an older plane, so it's not as comfy. OH wells, i'll know next time to book my flights with the 747 instead.
this is the Marriott Executive Apartment I'm staying at Canary Wharf. It's by West India Quay, which is very close to my work and client site. There is are a lot of bars and resturants in the area. But Canary Wharf is a ghost town on the weekends, oh and everything closes at 7pm. Lame...
Executive Apartment is basically a 1 bedroom apartment with a kitchen and living room. Look at my mom at the kitchen making dinner. I'm so glad she came with me.
This is the living room area..
this is the Thames River.. I could be wrong though, there are so many rivers around here, I'm not sure which is which, hahaa.. they all seems to be connected.. I took this photo while waitting for the train on Sunday to go into Central London. The weather was so gorgeous that day, it's rare to see London in such good light. I almost fell in love..
that's my hotel on the right.. the stripe of lower building are all bars.. it's packed anyday after work... Londoners and their pint of warm beers, geez...
tomorrow is my last full day at work, need to close out some issues with my manager, document my work, go for a drink with my team, and pack my bags. time flies when you are having fun, that is so true! London.. I shall see you again.. =) thanks for treating me so nice this time around..
Monday, July 13, 2009
HEY MATE! Welcome to Lonnnndonnnn!
i thought i'd update before i get another comment threat. lol. jk! my life in london is pretty boring, just work, eat and sleep during the week. last weekend i went out to central London to eat dim sum, meet up with friends, oh and Jamilla! i'm staying at Canary Wharf by the way, it's a bit out of the way in East London, to get to central London takes about 20 minutes, but I'm just too tired during the week to make the trip. the above picture is me and my mom at the DLR station heading into the town!
the DLR station again.. i bought the green jacket at Zara for 40 pound. it's so cold in London, i had to buy new clothes! not an excuse.. well, not an entirely excuse. lol. there is no excuse for 3 pairs of shoes in 4 days, i know i know. but one of them was 15 pound! everything's on sale here!
my friend and i in the Tube station, oh god, the tube stations are so HOT! i was so sweatting balls in there. they should air condition the carts, just a thought. she and i went to Kilburn for some good chinese food.. yummm.. i finally had a decent meal in london.
Sunday I went to the Westfield mall in Shepard's Bush to meet up with Jamilla and Jamal. they are so great. we talked for 2 hours at an Italian cafe outside. it was gorgous weather, no rain at all. I really enjoyed my Sunday. Though I didn't get to shop in the mall, since it closes at 6pm. That's one thing lame about London, all the shopping closes so early!
Jamilla gave me a Cappuccino mug from Dubai, a magic carpet mouse pad and a Paul & Joe sister shirt, everything's so cute! My mom love the mouse pad, I decided to pass it onto her, since I don't need one for my laptop. Thanks Jamilla!
I am feeling much much better. I am even considering moving to London! isn't it insane? a week ago I was hating it here! I think it's the nice weather.. also my manager on this project is so nice, the entire team is so relaxed, i feel much less stressed out. I started eatting and sleeping normal, therefore, feeling better? I think moving to London for a year would be great, since I can use my weekend to travel around Europe. I don't know, we'll see what happens.. I think I'm just crazy right now... I should calm down and think it through, hahaa..
i <3 u all!!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
smile.. though your heart is aching.. smile.. even though it's breaking... when there are clouds in the sky..
you will get by...
since last night hearing michael's brother singing this song, it's been in my head over and over again.
today's been a great day. a better day. i know sometimes i sound like i take my life for granted. i've got a job, a healthy body, a great family and supportive friends. i know i'm asking too much from life and only placing my attention on the things i don't have. i only hate myself for thinking negatively and putting this burden onto my parents. i hate having them seeing my weakest saddest side.
days only get harder when i think i will never recover. but when i think i am just fine and there is nothing to recover from, i feel like tons of weight lifted off my shoulder and i felt free. no matter what it is, no matter how hard it is, i know, i will get by...
this is taken a while ago, when my best friend Judy was still living in NJ. i had just broken up with my bf, gone to overseas work assignment for a month, and came home to an empty apartment. i made it through then, i can make it through now. plus i have the daisy cutie to keep me going. i miss her so much.. my little tenderini <3
since last night hearing michael's brother singing this song, it's been in my head over and over again.
today's been a great day. a better day. i know sometimes i sound like i take my life for granted. i've got a job, a healthy body, a great family and supportive friends. i know i'm asking too much from life and only placing my attention on the things i don't have. i only hate myself for thinking negatively and putting this burden onto my parents. i hate having them seeing my weakest saddest side.
days only get harder when i think i will never recover. but when i think i am just fine and there is nothing to recover from, i feel like tons of weight lifted off my shoulder and i felt free. no matter what it is, no matter how hard it is, i know, i will get by...
this is taken a while ago, when my best friend Judy was still living in NJ. i had just broken up with my bf, gone to overseas work assignment for a month, and came home to an empty apartment. i made it through then, i can make it through now. plus i have the daisy cutie to keep me going. i miss her so much.. my little tenderini <3
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Cheers!
hello ladies, i'm in london right now. haven't updated in a week and lots have happened. first, i feel better today. today is my first day back in the office after the long weekend and starting on a new project. so in a way, it was good to get back into my work and concentrate. that made me forget about a lot of fears i had. i was quite busy in the office, 2 meetings on my first day and running around trying to get myself situationed with clients and colleagues, figureing out minor things such as printers, etc. it's good to excerise the mind.
last wednesday, i was planning on going to niagara fall with my parents until sat. but daisy, my little doggie baby, hurt herself in her sleep by scratching her right eye. i woke up and saw her couldn't open up her right eye. freaked out, sent to her the vet and got some drops for her eye. thankfully she's all good now, all happy and healthy. but i had to cancel my trip niagara fall. the 2 days i spent at home made my condition worse. i think sitting at home, doing nothing, is the worse thing you can do when you are depressed. because no matter what movie or tv you watch, all you are going to think about is how depressed you are.
so on friday, my parents took me to atlantic city. that really made a huge difference. i was feeling much better being outside. we just went to the boardwalk, took a walk with daisy. went gamble for a bit and had some food. it was simple, but it was good. i only wished that i had a boyfriend or close friend, so i don't need to bother my parents with taking me out. right now, i don't have a lot of close friends around, some things i'd rather not share with people. come to think of it, no matter how friendly and open i seem to people, a lot of things, especially depressing things, i'd rather keep to myself. in some way or form, i'm trying to keep up this imagine of "happy and funny" stephanie.
thank you all for your comments. some times i think i should release the comments, as it might help others to read the responses. i might open up those that do not say DO NOT MODERATE THIS COMMENT STEPH! haha.
i watched this video called "The Secret". it's derived from a book. have you guys read it? i always see it in the airport book stores, but never bought it because the cover looks like some vampaire scary stuff. but after watching the DVD i learned it is a self-motivation book. basically it teaches you to visualize, imagine and realize your dreams and desires. no matter what it is, if you just pretend you already have it, you will have it eventurally. i always knew that before you go to work or go to some important event, if you could imagine you deliver a successful speech or give a perfect interview, you will do well on it. before i go to interviews, back when i was in college, the night before my interview, i always have my little cards to practice my questions and answers, then i close my eyes and imagine the interviewer and my facial expressions and my responses to their questions. it really works.
sometimes it takes the lowest of all low for you to realize what you really want or need. i come to realize that what i used to want and need is not what can satisfy me anymore. therefore, it's a new chapter in my life, i need to act on it. god is telling me something by putting me through this. it's kinda of like "stephanie, get off of your lazy bum and get on with life! stop wasting your time away doing whatever it is that u r doing." i know i should do something but not sure what yet.. i feel like that's the hardest thing, to find a dream, a goal.
i have been reading the Dalai Lama's book, called "How to see yourself as you really are". it talks about compassion and self-knowledge. i suggest everyone to read a self-help book once in a while, it really help putting life into perspective. maybe i'm just depressed, everything's in perspective, hahahaa.. don't listen to me. seriously, don't listen to the girl who watched the michael jackson memorial and cried 5 times. i am so sensitive, it's not even funny, i have cried at least once every day for almost a month. yeaaaa.. i'm a hot mess, i know. lol
anyways, girls, again, thanks for all your comments and support. when i read your stories, i see a little bit of myself in every one of them. i guess we are all humans and suffer from the same pain. i love you all for your courage to share your story with me. thank you.
last wednesday, i was planning on going to niagara fall with my parents until sat. but daisy, my little doggie baby, hurt herself in her sleep by scratching her right eye. i woke up and saw her couldn't open up her right eye. freaked out, sent to her the vet and got some drops for her eye. thankfully she's all good now, all happy and healthy. but i had to cancel my trip niagara fall. the 2 days i spent at home made my condition worse. i think sitting at home, doing nothing, is the worse thing you can do when you are depressed. because no matter what movie or tv you watch, all you are going to think about is how depressed you are.
so on friday, my parents took me to atlantic city. that really made a huge difference. i was feeling much better being outside. we just went to the boardwalk, took a walk with daisy. went gamble for a bit and had some food. it was simple, but it was good. i only wished that i had a boyfriend or close friend, so i don't need to bother my parents with taking me out. right now, i don't have a lot of close friends around, some things i'd rather not share with people. come to think of it, no matter how friendly and open i seem to people, a lot of things, especially depressing things, i'd rather keep to myself. in some way or form, i'm trying to keep up this imagine of "happy and funny" stephanie.
thank you all for your comments. some times i think i should release the comments, as it might help others to read the responses. i might open up those that do not say DO NOT MODERATE THIS COMMENT STEPH! haha.
i watched this video called "The Secret". it's derived from a book. have you guys read it? i always see it in the airport book stores, but never bought it because the cover looks like some vampaire scary stuff. but after watching the DVD i learned it is a self-motivation book. basically it teaches you to visualize, imagine and realize your dreams and desires. no matter what it is, if you just pretend you already have it, you will have it eventurally. i always knew that before you go to work or go to some important event, if you could imagine you deliver a successful speech or give a perfect interview, you will do well on it. before i go to interviews, back when i was in college, the night before my interview, i always have my little cards to practice my questions and answers, then i close my eyes and imagine the interviewer and my facial expressions and my responses to their questions. it really works.
sometimes it takes the lowest of all low for you to realize what you really want or need. i come to realize that what i used to want and need is not what can satisfy me anymore. therefore, it's a new chapter in my life, i need to act on it. god is telling me something by putting me through this. it's kinda of like "stephanie, get off of your lazy bum and get on with life! stop wasting your time away doing whatever it is that u r doing." i know i should do something but not sure what yet.. i feel like that's the hardest thing, to find a dream, a goal.
i have been reading the Dalai Lama's book, called "How to see yourself as you really are". it talks about compassion and self-knowledge. i suggest everyone to read a self-help book once in a while, it really help putting life into perspective. maybe i'm just depressed, everything's in perspective, hahahaa.. don't listen to me. seriously, don't listen to the girl who watched the michael jackson memorial and cried 5 times. i am so sensitive, it's not even funny, i have cried at least once every day for almost a month. yeaaaa.. i'm a hot mess, i know. lol
anyways, girls, again, thanks for all your comments and support. when i read your stories, i see a little bit of myself in every one of them. i guess we are all humans and suffer from the same pain. i love you all for your courage to share your story with me. thank you.
Monday, June 29, 2009
I can only fight one battle at a time
It's Monday night 8:31pm. I only had a bag of chips for food all day. I have been crying since noon, at work and all the way home and at home. my anxiety was at all time high, i felt like i was going to die laying on my couch.
I'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow to see if i should get on some medication. i know they'd recommand something, but I know this feeling of depression, I have experienced it before and I got over it. It was not pleasant, i was a mess, as i am a mess now. my head hurts, my limbs are numb, my stomache is in a twist, my heart hurts, i can't eat, i can barely sleep..
my therapist is telling me that even though it might cause me anxiety to take the bus or train, i should still do it. even though i have anxiety staying home by myself, i should still do it, because i shouldn't run away from it. because i need to go through staying home alone to know that i won't have an anxiety attack and that i will be ok. so through that, i can build my own confidence with staying home alone.
ok, i get it. i totally get this whole counter-anxiety tactic. it's like putting someone who's claustraphobic in an elevator for 2 hours, push their anxiety to the highest limit and thereby getting over it. but guess what, i am home every day by myself. i go through my days feeling lonely and can't concentrate because i am so terrified of going home alone. some day i am just so tired of fighting this battle. i just want to come home to someone. to know that someone care enough to say to me "listen, u r afraid of this situation, let's just deal with it one step at a time. i will be there, i will stay with u until u get better, because i believe u will be better one day. u just need a little help now."
everyday i feel like i can't back down. i can't be weak and just say, ok i give up, i don't want to go anywhere alone. i want to feel loved and cared for. most of all, i want that care and love from my parents. yes, friends help. but at this time, friends can only help me so much. they have their own lives, you know?
i feel so ashamed. so guilty for asking for help. because i SHOULD be able to deal with this ON MY OWN. but i am a fucking loser and an idiot, because i just asked my parents to come over to stay with me tonight. am i a fucking loser or what? a fucking 24 year old can't stay home alone! what a fucking ridiculous situation?
i beat myself every single fucking day because i can't get over this hurdle in life without some help. and i feel so fucking ashamed for asking for help. so it's this vicious cycle, where i am trying to get rid of my anxiety and depression at the same time.
my anxiety is caused by depressive thoughts that NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! i am all fucking alone on this earth. i am so incapable of dealing with life that one day i will end up taking pills every day to live and eventurally die like michael jackson, over dose.
i can't stop thinking like that. i feel like one of those junkies that takes drugs all day, no one can save them, but to watch him/her die. i am watching myself dying and i can't do shit about it! and i am not taking any drugs at all!
i have xanax and have been carrying it around, but i never took it, because i don't want to rely on it. so when the therapist told me i might need some medication to get over the depression, i was terrified, because i thought i'd be strong enough to fight it on my own, i don't want to get addicted to anti-depressants. it also made me feel ashamed that i cannot fight this on my own.
this weekend i was supposed to take a train to boston by myself, meet up with friends and go to maine to raft and sky dive. then on sunday night i will come back and pack for london, and leave for london 5:30am on monday. i was excited about sky dive and all that, but now.. not so much... because i feel extremely anxious thinking about taking a 4 hour train by myself, and then come back and fly to london by myself and stay in a hotel room for 2 weeks by myself. yes i know there are distractions, such as books, movies, hanging out with coworkers. but knowing me i would be so detached from reality, i wouldn't be able to focus on them.
i feel this enormous pressure to take on these 2 challenges head on. like I HAVE TO TAKE THE 4 HOUR TRAIN BY MYSELF BECAUSE IT WILL NUMB MY ANXIETY. and if i don't, i won't be able to go on this rafting trip and i will be a fucking loser, because i wasted a perfectly fun weekend because i can't take a fucking train by myself. also, i might be losing my job because i can't fucking fly and stay in a hotel room alone. those are going to make me feel like shit even more than i already do.
but god, this battle is so hard to fight. sometimes i just want to be like, ok, steph, u can't go to boston by yourself, then take it easy. ask your parents drive you, spend a road trip with them, who knows, they might like it. don't feel bad about it. you are just in a bad position in your life now, where you need a little bit help. it's ok. ask for help. don't feel bad about it. everyone needs a little help once in a while.
i want to take a leap towards wellness, but i know i'm far from it. so i'm going to take it step by step, baby steps. and stop beating myself up about it.
i am only strong enough to fight one battle at a time. please don't judge me because i can't take a train or flight by myself. i am just trying as hard as i can to not to take any pills. and even if one day, i need medication to get over my depression, i don't want to feel bad about it. people who have a cold takes medicine, just because i am not sneezing and coughing doesn't mean i shouldn't take medications. i am not eatting, not sleeping, i can't concentrate at work, i just need a little help. why do i feel so ashamed!!! stop feeling that way and just do whatever that can make u feel better, even if that means to have your parents staying with u for a few days. because one day u will feel better.. it's just that day is not today...
I'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow to see if i should get on some medication. i know they'd recommand something, but I know this feeling of depression, I have experienced it before and I got over it. It was not pleasant, i was a mess, as i am a mess now. my head hurts, my limbs are numb, my stomache is in a twist, my heart hurts, i can't eat, i can barely sleep..
my therapist is telling me that even though it might cause me anxiety to take the bus or train, i should still do it. even though i have anxiety staying home by myself, i should still do it, because i shouldn't run away from it. because i need to go through staying home alone to know that i won't have an anxiety attack and that i will be ok. so through that, i can build my own confidence with staying home alone.
ok, i get it. i totally get this whole counter-anxiety tactic. it's like putting someone who's claustraphobic in an elevator for 2 hours, push their anxiety to the highest limit and thereby getting over it. but guess what, i am home every day by myself. i go through my days feeling lonely and can't concentrate because i am so terrified of going home alone. some day i am just so tired of fighting this battle. i just want to come home to someone. to know that someone care enough to say to me "listen, u r afraid of this situation, let's just deal with it one step at a time. i will be there, i will stay with u until u get better, because i believe u will be better one day. u just need a little help now."
everyday i feel like i can't back down. i can't be weak and just say, ok i give up, i don't want to go anywhere alone. i want to feel loved and cared for. most of all, i want that care and love from my parents. yes, friends help. but at this time, friends can only help me so much. they have their own lives, you know?
i feel so ashamed. so guilty for asking for help. because i SHOULD be able to deal with this ON MY OWN. but i am a fucking loser and an idiot, because i just asked my parents to come over to stay with me tonight. am i a fucking loser or what? a fucking 24 year old can't stay home alone! what a fucking ridiculous situation?
i beat myself every single fucking day because i can't get over this hurdle in life without some help. and i feel so fucking ashamed for asking for help. so it's this vicious cycle, where i am trying to get rid of my anxiety and depression at the same time.
my anxiety is caused by depressive thoughts that NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! i am all fucking alone on this earth. i am so incapable of dealing with life that one day i will end up taking pills every day to live and eventurally die like michael jackson, over dose.
i can't stop thinking like that. i feel like one of those junkies that takes drugs all day, no one can save them, but to watch him/her die. i am watching myself dying and i can't do shit about it! and i am not taking any drugs at all!
i have xanax and have been carrying it around, but i never took it, because i don't want to rely on it. so when the therapist told me i might need some medication to get over the depression, i was terrified, because i thought i'd be strong enough to fight it on my own, i don't want to get addicted to anti-depressants. it also made me feel ashamed that i cannot fight this on my own.
this weekend i was supposed to take a train to boston by myself, meet up with friends and go to maine to raft and sky dive. then on sunday night i will come back and pack for london, and leave for london 5:30am on monday. i was excited about sky dive and all that, but now.. not so much... because i feel extremely anxious thinking about taking a 4 hour train by myself, and then come back and fly to london by myself and stay in a hotel room for 2 weeks by myself. yes i know there are distractions, such as books, movies, hanging out with coworkers. but knowing me i would be so detached from reality, i wouldn't be able to focus on them.
i feel this enormous pressure to take on these 2 challenges head on. like I HAVE TO TAKE THE 4 HOUR TRAIN BY MYSELF BECAUSE IT WILL NUMB MY ANXIETY. and if i don't, i won't be able to go on this rafting trip and i will be a fucking loser, because i wasted a perfectly fun weekend because i can't take a fucking train by myself. also, i might be losing my job because i can't fucking fly and stay in a hotel room alone. those are going to make me feel like shit even more than i already do.
but god, this battle is so hard to fight. sometimes i just want to be like, ok, steph, u can't go to boston by yourself, then take it easy. ask your parents drive you, spend a road trip with them, who knows, they might like it. don't feel bad about it. you are just in a bad position in your life now, where you need a little bit help. it's ok. ask for help. don't feel bad about it. everyone needs a little help once in a while.
i want to take a leap towards wellness, but i know i'm far from it. so i'm going to take it step by step, baby steps. and stop beating myself up about it.
i am only strong enough to fight one battle at a time. please don't judge me because i can't take a train or flight by myself. i am just trying as hard as i can to not to take any pills. and even if one day, i need medication to get over my depression, i don't want to feel bad about it. people who have a cold takes medicine, just because i am not sneezing and coughing doesn't mean i shouldn't take medications. i am not eatting, not sleeping, i can't concentrate at work, i just need a little help. why do i feel so ashamed!!! stop feeling that way and just do whatever that can make u feel better, even if that means to have your parents staying with u for a few days. because one day u will feel better.. it's just that day is not today...
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