I can only fight one battle at a time

It's Monday night 8:31pm. I only had a bag of chips for food all day. I have been crying since noon, at work and all the way home and at home. my anxiety was at all time high, i felt like i was going to die laying on my couch.
I'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow to see if i should get on some medication. i know they'd recommand something, but I know this feeling of depression, I have experienced it before and I got over it. It was not pleasant, i was a mess, as i am a mess now. my head hurts, my limbs are numb, my stomache is in a twist, my heart hurts, i can't eat, i can barely sleep..
my therapist is telling me that even though it might cause me anxiety to take the bus or train, i should still do it. even though i have anxiety staying home by myself, i should still do it, because i shouldn't run away from it. because i need to go through staying home alone to know that i won't have an anxiety attack and that i will be ok. so through that, i can build my own confidence with staying home alone.
ok, i get it. i totally get this whole counter-anxiety tactic. it's like putting someone who's claustraphobic in an elevator for 2 hours, push their anxiety to the highest limit and thereby getting over it. but guess what, i am home every day by myself. i go through my days feeling lonely and can't concentrate because i am so terrified of going home alone. some day i am just so tired of fighting this battle. i just want to come home to someone. to know that someone care enough to say to me "listen, u r afraid of this situation, let's just deal with it one step at a time. i will be there, i will stay with u until u get better, because i believe u will be better one day. u just need a little help now."
everyday i feel like i can't back down. i can't be weak and just say, ok i give up, i don't want to go anywhere alone. i want to feel loved and cared for. most of all, i want that care and love from my parents. yes, friends help. but at this time, friends can only help me so much. they have their own lives, you know?
i feel so ashamed. so guilty for asking for help. because i SHOULD be able to deal with this ON MY OWN. but i am a fucking loser and an idiot, because i just asked my parents to come over to stay with me tonight. am i a fucking loser or what? a fucking 24 year old can't stay home alone! what a fucking ridiculous situation?
i beat myself every single fucking day because i can't get over this hurdle in life without some help. and i feel so fucking ashamed for asking for help. so it's this vicious cycle, where i am trying to get rid of my anxiety and depression at the same time.
my anxiety is caused by depressive thoughts that NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! i am all fucking alone on this earth. i am so incapable of dealing with life that one day i will end up taking pills every day to live and eventurally die like michael jackson, over dose.
i can't stop thinking like that. i feel like one of those junkies that takes drugs all day, no one can save them, but to watch him/her die. i am watching myself dying and i can't do shit about it! and i am not taking any drugs at all!
i have xanax and have been carrying it around, but i never took it, because i don't want to rely on it. so when the therapist told me i might need some medication to get over the depression, i was terrified, because i thought i'd be strong enough to fight it on my own, i don't want to get addicted to anti-depressants. it also made me feel ashamed that i cannot fight this on my own.

this weekend i was supposed to take a train to boston by myself, meet up with friends and go to maine to raft and sky dive. then on sunday night i will come back and pack for london, and leave for london 5:30am on monday. i was excited about sky dive and all that, but now.. not so much... because i feel extremely anxious thinking about taking a 4 hour train by myself, and then come back and fly to london by myself and stay in a hotel room for 2 weeks by myself. yes i know there are distractions, such as books, movies, hanging out with coworkers. but knowing me i would be so detached from reality, i wouldn't be able to focus on them.
i feel this enormous pressure to take on these 2 challenges head on. like I HAVE TO TAKE THE 4 HOUR TRAIN BY MYSELF BECAUSE IT WILL NUMB MY ANXIETY. and if i don't, i won't be able to go on this rafting trip and i will be a fucking loser, because i wasted a perfectly fun weekend because i can't take a fucking train by myself. also, i might be losing my job because i can't fucking fly and stay in a hotel room alone. those are going to make me feel like shit even more than i already do.
but god, this battle is so hard to fight. sometimes i just want to be like, ok, steph, u can't go to boston by yourself, then take it easy. ask your parents drive you, spend a road trip with them, who knows, they might like it. don't feel bad about it. you are just in a bad position in your life now, where you need a little bit help. it's ok. ask for help. don't feel bad about it. everyone needs a little help once in a while.
i want to take a leap towards wellness, but i know i'm far from it. so i'm going to take it step by step, baby steps. and stop beating myself up about it.

i am only strong enough to fight one battle at a time. please don't judge me because i can't take a train or flight by myself. i am just trying as hard as i can to not to take any pills. and even if one day, i need medication to get over my depression, i don't want to feel bad about it. people who have a cold takes medicine, just because i am not sneezing and coughing doesn't mean i shouldn't take medications. i am not eatting, not sleeping, i can't concentrate at work, i just need a little help. why do i feel so ashamed!!! stop feeling that way and just do whatever that can make u feel better, even if that means to have your parents staying with u for a few days. because one day u will feel better.. it's just that day is not today...