and then he said...

"it probably doesn't mean much now, but i want you to understand how much i wanted you"

my first boyfriend, whom i've known for 8 years and was on and off with for 5 years. whom never graduated college, still got his series 7, became a stock broker on wall st. and now just quit his job to become a hedge fund manager, just told me that this whole "financial industry" career move was just so he can be at my level and impress my parents, so that one day, he can be with me again.

he told me this a few years too late.. how love plays a game on ya...

Mami chula

Just looking through my iPhoto and found this pic. Have I ever posted
about this look before? It's done a year ago. It looks pretty good.
I'm surprised I actually did this. Only if I could remember what I
used....

found the post for this look!!! click here

used to being by myself

used to being by myself....

used to a lonely morning, start a brand new day, no what ifs, because, there's no expectations..
used to sitting alone, no coffee, no music, but can't be without cigs, i'm not ready to give up yet....

used to listening to music alone, turn off all the lights, only left with the dimmed blue from the player. that moment, everything paused, just me and the music, sway with sorrow..
used to being on the road on my own, no destination, no return date, just want to find a place to belong, to stay..

used to going home alone, sitting in the back of a taxi, sky scraper rolling in like waves, then disappear on the horizon..

used to drinking alone, drunk in the darken lights, forgetting time, forgetting existence, forgetting the unforgotten. after all, i can still be myself, numbed self..

just a few pictures i collected a while ago... i think i have just gotten my heart broken the first time i found these.. and every pictures told exactly what i was going through.. i've tried to translate the best i can, i'm not very good at it.

i've realized just how lonely it can feel in a big city. i was sitting in the middle of time square on a sunday night and there were tons of tourist around. i looked around at all these people, taking pictures, kissing each other, pointing at the signages. i thought to myself, all these people in the world, all you need is that one person to make you feel complete. i can't seem to find that one person. and i'm not just talking about boys, i'm talking about a best friend, a friend that i can count on. a friend to just have dinner with, watch a movie with, take a walk around central park with. and even that, is so hard to find. some days i think there's something wrong with me, because why else would it be so hard for me to find a connection?

maybe i just need to find myself, build a relationship with myself. like samantha said in sex and the city movie "i've been in a relationship with myself for x amount of years, and that's the one i need to work on".

well ladies, i am all moved in the big apple! of course it is not going to cure my "depression/anxiety", but it definitely helps being exposed to the different opportunities around here. i have been going out, going on dates, hanging out with friends. haha.. i'd love to share some date stories with you.. and what these big city girls think about relationship.. i tell ya, if there's ever a reality show to film my group of girls, it'd be titled "the real hot messes of new york city". girls ranged from 30's to 20's, all dealing with the same issues, yet so different. we are hard working, funny, smart and beautiful. oh and the men that's got to deal with us. phew, let's just say i am glad i am not a boy.. hahaha..

more stories to come.. stay tuned..

Life as I know it is on the back of a "yoo-hoo"..

I decided to mobile blog from my work email because I haven't had the
time and courage writing at home. Why? You ask?

Well, since the last time we spoke, I have made some changes to my life.
Are you ready for this? I AM MOVING TO NEW YORK CITY! That's right
girls! This girl is going to be become a Manhattan dweller very very
soon! Actually tomorrow is moving day!

The new pad is on the corner of 55th street and 7th ave. I work on 53rd
and 7th, so you do the math. Yup, exactly 2:14min door to door commute!
My condo is in NJ, so my commute to work before was 45 minutes door to
door. I am saving a whole lotta snoozing time and may even put on make
up at home! Right now I have my little 5 minute face bag at work, so
it's pretty minimum day to day stuff - power foundation, black eye
liner, mascara and some beige eye shadow.

Also, I have a roomate now. I can't afford the rent all on my own,
hello? No more big bonus working in Finance. My roomie is Indian, a
lawyer and eats ice cream by the pint. Don't know much about her yet,
but from what I have seen, so far so good. I don't expect us to become
best friends, but I do like the fact that she loves Daisy, not super
clingy and pretty down to earth.

What I'm going to do about my condo you say? I am so lucky that I found
a perfect tenant in 2 days! He's a 49 yo divorced dad of two girls.
Moved up from Boca Raton, FL with his clothes and his dog. Since I'm
moving from a 1 bedroom 1 bathroom to a shoe box, I am leaving behind
some funitures, and he is fine with the arrangement, since that means he
doesn't have to buy anything. Which works out great in both of our
advantages. He works in the city as well, making more than enough for
the rent. Owns a house down in FL, so he know what it feels like to rent
out a place, so he promised to treat my things as his own. Drama free,
responsible, pay rent on time, that's all I ask for in a tenant.

So yea, everything's done and squared away. Signed my lease, hired
movers, packed up my life in boxes, I'm good to go... there's plenty of
drama with the management office of the new apartment, I will save you
the time to read through it all, but basically, we had to spy our way to
their office, sat by their receiption area for 3 hours to finally get
our lease drafted on 7/31!, which is the day we were supposed to move
in! God, I'm so glad it's over with.

I have been meaning to write about my experiences getting over
depression, but didn't know where to begin. Once I got back from London,
I felt a lot better and kept myself busy with apartment hunting. It was
not easy being under that kind of stressed. Not to mention my period was
a week late! And I was totally freaking out! I had 3 days to rent out my
condo, otherwise I'd be paying double rent and mortgage for a month. So
all in all it was a very hectic 2 weeks for me. But because of how busy
I was, I forgot about my depression and anxiety. All I could think about
is what's the next step, what I need to do before I do that, blah blah.
In a way, I am so glad this kept me busy.

Now that it is all over and done with. My parents are very supportive.
They are with me all day, packing, sorting out any last minute things.
Without them, I don't think I'd have the energy to move! This is my
first time moving, and I can honestly say, it is one of the worst
feeling ever. Packing your life away in boxes.. It brings back so much
memeories.

Yesterday was a rainy day in NJ. My parents and I were packing. I was
fine packing my living room, my bedroom, my bathroom, then when it got
to the kitchen. I had a heart wrenching feeling that made my eyes a
little misty. All the time I spent at Bed Bath and Beyond buying kitchen
supplies to make my next master piece to share with my ex bf and
friends. When my mom broke one of the wine glasses my best friend gave
me as a farewell gift, my heart broke and I got so annoyed I yelled at
her. Though she was trying to help me pack, asking me do I want this, do
I want that, pack this or pack that, I was already so stressed out with
trying to figure out where everything goes and she was pushing me over
the edge. My mom seriously has a way to push my button, she doesn't even
have to try. If she helps, she's constantly talking, asking me thing,
even though I have already told her what to do. I literally say "put the
dishes in the box" and then she'll asking me one by one, this dish? This
dish? How about this one? You want to take this one too?

I try not to cry or feel sad about this move. I mean it is for the
better of me. I have always wanted to move to NYC. But I can't shake the
feeling of uncertainty and doubt. What if I don't like it? What if I
hate it? What if no one cares about me here? What if the friends I
though would be there, won't be there? I don't know the answer to these
things unless I experience it. I tell myself to just enjoy the moment
and the experience, and not to worry about the future. And if I really
do hate it, which I doubt, then I'll just move back! Right?

Oh and one little secret, I put up this whole act that I'm want to move
into the city for the "experience", but really, I just want to see if I
can find a Mr.Right or Mr.RightNow for the time being, haha.

Ok - I'm signing off. Going to the new apartment and check out how the
painting went. Then go home, pack some more. Tomorrow 9am, the
"yoohooo", as my mom says, is coming to pick me and my life up.

_______________________________________________

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