Writing off my losses

I remember psyching myself up for GMAT at the begining of the year. I was so into it and was so ready to tackle the beast. As time goes by, my enthusiam died down and now that the test is 3 days away, I haven't even taken a practice exam yet. All 7 of my prep books are still there, barely cracked 2 of them. Sigh.. I guess sometimes you gotta cut your losses and get the best out of the worst. I'm still going to take the test, just as an experience; so i can get a feel of what the test center is like and how to prepare myself next time.

Thinking back of what I've done this past yr, I still feel a sense of accomplishment, even though I barely met any of my goals (work out, study, be more tidy, meet more people to further my career...), however, the biggest wish has just been granted.... H finally moved down for good.

It may seem like I'm bitching and moaning about this for way more than what it's worth, but you guys don't understand the entire situation. See, H worked for his family's rest. since he's 15. He's done everything from scrubbing the bathroom floor to ordering inventory. At age 33, he's more than qualified to take over the rest., plus he's had experience working in the best Japanese rest. in Boston, PF Chang, and a few other places. From cocktail mixing to cutting up sushi to washing dishes, he's done it all. However, his dad won't hand over the rest. unless H wrote a business plan and a promise to do things exactly the way his dad does it. Now, if I were to ask to take over something to risk my life and career on it, I want to do it the way I want to do it. Otherwise, I could careless if I was just going to work for someone else but taking all the financial/legal risk. So after a few years of "I'm going to hand it to you next yr" promises, H got tired of wasting his life away at his dad's rest., and decided to leave.

Now, this is the interesting part. In order to sell the rest. there are a lot of loop holes his dad got into with the landlord. The landlord of the rest. is a 50% owner and he gives rent incentives to better his profit. Everything's gravy right, lower rent, more profit, more money. BUT he got pissed off when H's family opened up another BIGGER and more profitable rest. without asking him to be a partner in it. Now, if you guys think about it, WHY does his dad need to ask ANYONE to be his partner if he has enough money to invest in it?

So to make matter worse and complicated, he decided that he's not going to agree to sell the rest. well, he is 50% owner, so if he says no, it's a no. So H says, we'll sell the shares then. The quest to look for a buyer starts, in the time of 4 months, the buyer changed 3 times. No one wanted to be parnter with the land lord, cus his greedy ass wants everything and wants to give NOTHING.

Last Dec. we went on a 1 week cruise and during that 1 week, an employee of the rest. decided to talk to the landlord on her own; making deals and such. When H got back from the cruise, he learned about the stupid lady's desire to enter the deal with the landlord. Well, ok, whatever, if that's what she wants to do, so be it.

Then it's time to collect documents, get things through city hall, board of this and that, settle on a price. Now, if you have had a rest. for 18 years and decides to sell it, NOBODY will sell it for $100G, well, that's what he wanted to do more or less. The rest. is worth at least half a mil, so the war on settling on the price, the terms, bluh bluh bluh...

Every week H would tell me the updates on the deal. I got so tired of hearing it, I told him to just not to tell me. Every week, it would be like, oh this person didn't sign this paper, so the lawyer had to do this, but the lawyer's on vacation, and he won't be back until 2 weeks later, so this is the bottle neck now. But next week the story would change and something else would happen.

You think about it. Your man wants to go to a culinary art school and become a 4 star chef. He said it in March 2007, he's going to sell the rest. and go to school, b/c his dad won't let him run it the way he wants to, and his dad's getting old, so 1 rest. is making way more than eough for them and they should relax a little. Good idea right. But it turns out, he spent 1 year, wasting his time, sitting in that damn rest. b/c of some stupid deal his dad got into 18 years ago. He's slaving in the kitchen, just so that mofo can take 50% of the profit. PLUS! he doesn't have any profit sharing in it, it's all salary.

If I was the parent, I would say, go to school and we'll take care of it. But instead, his parents said, no, you stay here b/c we want you here, we don't care about your life. I made you, so your life is mine and I'm going to tell you how to live it. It doesn't matter if you make more money else where, but we need you, we are your family and we are going to pay you shit for working 10am-10pm everyday and you don't get vacations.

1 whole damn year, he wasted it away, working at a rest. doesn't pay nearly as much as he's supposed to be paid. I was here, alone, working at a job I hate, parents away, no friends, All I wanted was for my boyfriend to be here, so I won't be so lonely. If he was doing something GOOD, like school, I'd be here alone and I won't care. But dude, he ain't doing shit up there and he's just there cus he needs to be there. He's putting school on hold for WHAT? for those two 60 year old mofos that won't put down their faces and just let go?

I was so angry the entire year this shit was going on. I think I've gotten so used to thinking that way, I might have just stuck in that pessimistic and depressive thinking. Everyday, I'd think my life is not worth living. I wanted a cab to run me over on 7th ave, so I can end this shit.

but now that he's finally here, I'm so happy. there were so many times I just wanted to give up and break up with him. Why would I want to be here and wait for someone when I'm only 23? I wanted him to know what it feels like to be alone. I wanted him to taste the bitterness I experienced. I never understood why this situation turned out that way, but I had no answer but it was his fault.

I'd be damned if someone else controled my life. I'd be damned if I put myself in a situation where I can't leave, not even to better myself. I'd be damned if my parents put me through that shit and ignore my happiness for their ambition. No one and nothing is worth more than my own happiness. I'm so glad I never said yes to my mom's offer to take over her company, not even when I thought I wasn't going to find a job. I don't owe her my life and if she's really my mom, she will never ask me to do something I don't want to do for her own happiness. It's tempting to be in a position of power from the get-go, but I've never wanted to be in a position where I don't belong/deserve. So what if I can't make it out there, I will find a way. But in no way will I EVER put myself in that situation. That's why I finished school. That's why I moved out.

I guess the lesson of the story is to find youself while not loosing yourself. I hope H learns a lesson too. It was a lot harder for me than what he thinks. and I will never ever do long distance again. Depression didn't take 1 day to develope and it won't take 1 day to recover, I just need to work on focusing on the good things in my life.

p.s. I JUST GOT MY FIRST ORDER!!!! YAY!!!!! Thank you for shopping Stephie's Yard Sale!