really broke down. I've never seen myself like that, especially not in a
restaurant. I couldn't hide anymore. And I'm tired of running away from
it all. It's all too much to bear and I just had to break it down for
them. I'm sure it was hard to watch as parents, to see your only child
in so much pain. I'm sure in their hearts, they've felt guilty of not
being the best parents they can be. Actually I am not so sure how they
felt, because the responses I got from my mom was especially heart
wrenching for me.
I asked my mom to just listen to what I had to say.. "mom, I just want
to tell you how much I love you and be around you. But sometimes it is
hard to be around you because I feel like I am never good enough. I feel
like if I don't do the things you want me to do, then you won't love me
anymore. All my life, I lived my life to your standard just so you won't
stop loving me. To be honest, I think I've lived your life to the
fullest and the best of my ability, and now, I am lost, because I don't
know what I want anymore. I finished school with honor, I got a job in
an investment bank in Manhattan, I lost weight, my skin cleared up,
people tell you I am successful and beautiful, and I really think I've
made you proud. But what now? Now that I've given you everything you
wanted, I don't know what else to do anymore. I am so lost. Every
decision I make, the first thing I think about is "is it right or
wrong?". Because I'm afraid of making decisions that are wrong by your
standard. You tell me to do whatever makes me happy, I wish I knew what
made me happy. Because what made me happy was to make you happy. And
some times I feel like I am not doing the right things and I am not
pleasing you enough, and eventually you are going to stop loving me
because I am not good enough. I just want to know that you are going to
love me no matter what, if I am sad or happy, if I am fat or skinny,
that I am your daughter no matter what."
Her response to me is "I don't know why you are asking so much from me.
You make me worry about you all the time. I spent 22 years of my life
working hard to make sure you have the most comfortable life I can
afford. I thought once you graduate from college I can have my own life
back. And look at what you are doing now, you are making me worry. I
don't know how much I can take anymore, sometimes I feel like you don't
need me, sometimes I just want to help, but why are you blaming me for
everything? I do so much for you and for this family. I'm not happy
either, I don't know what else I can do to make you happy, can you tell
what you want me to do?"
"mom, maybe sometimes less is more. Maybe you don't even have to do
anything. Just be there. Be my mom."
My tears were unstoppable and I couldn't even speak anymore. My mom was
crying too. It was a heart wrenching moment, yet I still can't believe
how selfish my mother is. I am the cause of all her anxiety, I am the
problem she's trying to solve, I am the person who have brought all
these worry upon her. I was never seen as her daughter, I was seen as
her little project on how well she is doing with her life. I am the
trophy and embarrassment at the same time.
She says "I know how much you understand me. I know you are hurting too.
I know when you are being fake, I know when you are being truly happy.
Maybe I have given you too much pressure and caused you pain. I know
what I've done. But what could I do to change that? What do you want me
to do? I think I've done everything I could, I can't do much anymore. I
am getting old."
Maybe I didn't make myself clear. Maybe she's dealing with a lot of pain
too. I wish I knew how to tell her she's the best mom I could ever have
and that she's done a great job raising me. She didn't have to go
through lipo to be skinnier, she didn't have to go on a diet to loose
weight, I am proud of her being my mom each and every day. I just want
her to be healthy. If being skinnier makes her happier, I support her
100%, but she never had to do that just so other would see her as a
better person. No one is perfect, it's even annoying sometimes when
someone is THAT perfect. Let your flaws show, it lets people know you
are just human too. Stop fixing people, stop fixing yourself, there is
no end to that. Making me the best, most beautiful, smartest girl only
gives her the satisfaction from OTHER people. And now that I have this
depression, she's ashamed that I am not "perfect". She's done making a
perfect but sad daughter.
Now that I have come to a conclusion where my anxiety and depression
comes from. I just need to move on. It's easier said than done.
Currently I am still feeling very helpless and hopeless. I am lost. All
the signs of direction are gone. I am left on this earth feeling
pointless. Some days I really feel like I should just die. If I am dead
I wouldn't have to deal with this. Living, in another word, has become a
burden to me.
I have received so much help and support from friends, coworkers, even
strangers. It feel good in someway to let people in my world and let
them see, I am not always that funny, bubbly and optimistic. But
sometimes I am so sick of talking about this problem because it has no
solution. At least, no solution from others can help me. Only I can help
myself. Only I can dig myself out of it. So instead of looking at it as,
ok now I've found the root cause, now what? I am going to look at this
as the beginning of my new life. I don't know where it's going to take
me. I don't know if I will ever feel better. But I will try. I am almost
certain god made me go through this for a reason. I am certain that I
have learned something profound about life through this experience. I've
hit rock bottom and the only way out is up.
I'd like to thank everyone who've left a comment. It really made me
think. Some made me happier, some made me sadder, but all of them have
touch my heart deeply. Thank you. One day, I will smile again.. I
promise..
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