Don't interfere with your serenity, in this case, your beauty

I'd like to thank everyone for leaving a comment and give me an opinion of my struggle with being nice w/o being stepped on. As hard as it is to control my anger/rage, I really feel like it's unnecessary to go through the explosion, b/c at the end, I'm the only one suffering. I went to for my second time colonics last night and I told my colon therapist that I've been feeling stressed and angry all the time. He said, "remember the next time you want to be angry or go into rage, tell yourself to don't interfere with your serenity. You mind was at peace, why let the little things interfere with the serenity you've built for yourself? Be kind to yourself."

So true, almost zen like, I think I defnitely should find some spiritual or emotional inspiration to keep myself from blowing up. In a city like Manhanattan where everybody's stepping over everybody's toes, it's hard to keep it together, but we must.. be kind to ourselves.

Anyways, PMS and pity bickering left my face with a few explosion as well. Usually when I get pimples, I get those under the skin, no white head, but hurt as a mofo type. So I've been using the following samples from Mario Badescu and find them to be very effective. The following are the ones I really like and will repurchase. Speaking of Mario Badescu, after my first time facial at the spa, I received a card for thanking me to visit their spa and gave me a 15% off coupon for my next visit. I'm definitely going back there.


The Drying Cream - it's used a spot treatment. I dab it on at night and sometimes in morning, but you have to be careful, even though it says it has flesh color and will conceal, it tends to look very tacky/cakey/flakey. I'd usually just dab it on at night. I won't say the bump goes away in 1 night, but I definitely feel it going down in 2 nights. Nothing is magical, it takes time for the inflammation to calm down. However, I feel that the best thing to do in the case of acne is prevention. B/c once the pimple pops, it will leave a scar. I've popped pimple on myself for years, done it in salon too. I know they say it won't leave a scar ifyou do it right. But there is "right" way of doing it. You are still tearing through the pore/skin and leaveing your skin with trauma. Scar/mark is inevitable. You can use some kind of acids to burn the skin off to make it appear smoother, but the scar will take a long time to go away.
Cucumber Tonic Mask - I got this one and the Orange Tonic Mask. I feel like this one is much much much more powerful than the Orange one. I put it on around my T zone, and 15 mins later, you can see ALL the black heads are peeking their head out. It's so gross! I never knew this was supposed to draw black head out, I only used it as a "oil control" mask. But OMG, you will be so grossed out to see all the black heads. I put on a nose strip and squeezed out even more. It hurts a lot less, since the black heads are out half way already. It's a great product for your nose/chin to eliminate black heads.
Azulene Calming Mask - My skin gets very irritated when I squeeze it or use harsh products on it. The inflammation is not just on the pimple it self, it spreads around the pimple area as well. The redness on my cheeks all comes from inflammed pores. I put these on my cheeks while I put Cucumber Tonic Mask on my T-zone. and this definitely calms down my skin. I can see it's softer, brighter and cool. It doesn't get hard, b/c it doesn't have that much clay in it. but it's very comfortable to wear.

These 3 products saved my face. I don't have time to go the spa every time my face gets all fucked up. But spot treatment and mask really does the trick. It takes my skin about 3 days to clear up and it's all thanks to MB. I used to use a lot of different products to treat my skin, but nothing is really "magical". Although MB is not a miracle, b/c it does take time, however, it's great at doing what it's supposed to do.

I've been simplifying my skincare regime b/c honestly, I feel like nothing cleared up my skin better than healthy eatting habit and Yaz (the birth control pill). However, in case of emergency, I do need a little extra help from the creams and lotions. I'm still testing out my last new product, but as soon as I'm done, I'll do a post about my skin care regime.

Ciao bella~

"don't let a piece of rat shit ruin a pot of soup" - old chinese saying

i'd like to say thanks to everyone who gave me their 2 cents on how they'd reacted in this situation. you know, some day you just feel like you are either the crazy one of the only sane one.

anyways, she wrote back some thing along the lines of "i wanted to ease the tension by asking you if i could come again, obviously that was a naive thought. blah blah.. i might have canceled on your before, but i don't recall, however, i thought i've explained myself to make sure you were ok with it... bluh bluh... i'll definitely try not to give you a blunt answer next time before i find out the full detail, bluh bluh.. hope we are still cool.. and enjoy the wilderness this wknd."

sigh.. honestly, i felt really bad after i thought about what i wrote to her. i felt like i was overreacting. and making a big fuzz out of it. so i thought, ok, well, she's "apologizing" without saying sorry, but i can't get over the fact that she still thinks she's doing ME a FAVOR by coming. i am so fed up with her indecisiveness. so I told her, "we are cool. and it's partly my fault, b/c you've always been so indecisive and cancel/accept last min, and i was always ok with it, b/c you are my friend and i accepted you as who you are. it is known to us that you are the kind of person who would change your mind last min, so we've always expected it and accepted it. however, there is only so many times you could do this. i'm just fed up with it and told you off. I apologize for the blow up, and i'm PMSing, but you are front and center, so i couldn't help it. Sorry. We'll definitely enjoy the wknd and take lots of pictures!"

i have been friends with her since 10/2005. we have been pretty close through out the years, she moves down to NY for 1 yr, then moved back again. during the time she was in NY, we hung out quite a bit, she came over quite often and I really appreciated her company, since i was living alone. I don't know why is it that all of a sudden, I couldn't stand her indecisiveness even though she's always been like this and I knew it. somewhere inside of me just got sick of having people step all over me and take advantage of me.

my god bro came over last night and saw my face and instantly knew there was something wrong. i told him the story, he's like, that's your fault, you let her get to you. you blew up on her to get your pride back, but now you feel sorry for hurting someone else's feeling. it's so true what he said, i always hold back my feelings b/c i don't want to make someone else uncomfortable, even though it's making ME uncomfortable. but i have a limit, i guess the limit was reached yesterday.

he also said something else that completely just torn me apart and i started crying, he said "you look so unhappy. you look so stressed out. something else is bothering you. it's not just that situation. what's going on?" I said "there is nothing else going on, i'm happy. H is here and we r gonna have a fun wknd. nothing's going wrong." He said "you are not tell him everything, b/c you don't know what to say. and everytime you tell him, you think he doesn't understand, so you don't tell him your feelings. you are bottling it up. do u get anxious? do u get depressed? you think life's shit and u don't know how to make it better? you feel like u r not good enough, doing all that you can. i bet you want to go back to school to escape the reality.."

as he went on, i felt so uncomfortable as if he could see through me. he knows exactly what i'm thinking. i start tearing up. i felt like this bottomless sorrow just start pouring up. i've told you guys before i have anxiety disorders and depression. however, i think i've gotten better at it. i've never seen a therapist nor been on any drugs (I carry my Xanax around, which is expired already, just to make me feel better). he urged me to go see a therapist and let it out. b/c right now, im just standing at the same place looking at the end of the tunnel witha telescope. i may see the sun, the tress and the bees, but i'm still at the same ol' place.

i think i might go see a therapist.. but i'm just afraid of opening up a can of worms. i'm afraid i won't be able to face my fears. i don't know.. i need time to think about this..

so i got an email today...

from the single friend who declined my invitation very rudely (refer to my previous post). here is what she wrote:

"Hi Steph, how is work? question question, do you think i can still come to the thing this weekend, do you still have space available? Please let me know."

Now... how would you respond to that?

------------------------------------------------------------
this is my response, i hope i'm making you proud Aggravated NYer! Now i feel like the biggest asshole, fucking awesome... she's probably crying right now..

well, we called you on Monday to see if you still wanted to go since Debo JW and Ellen John backed out. We thought you didn't want to go b/c it's an all couple thing and you felt uncomfortable. that's why I called you once they backed out, b/c it'd be just you and Erica Matt, you hang out with them so often, I thought you'd be more comfortable in that setting w/o too many people you don't know.

honestly, i have no problem with you coming. however, I don't appreciate it when you decline our invitation and then tell us the day before the event that you want to come. I just wish you could be more considerate when people take time and energy out to plan something, the least you could do it to give people a sure answer when they ask you to join them.

I never meant to invite you ONLY b/c the other two couples pulled out and we need more people to come. we would have gone with or without them, we would have had a fun time with or without you. that's not the point. My point is that I wanted you to join us, have fun and catch up on things b/c we haven't seen each other for so long. It hurts my feelings to know that you think I invited you only b/c someone pulled out.

Anyways, I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. but this is not the first time you've done this to me, and I'm sick of just to say yes every time you change your mind. Next time we invite you to anything, I hope you could give us the courtesy of a straight answer and let us know if there might be something going on, so we can put your down as tenative. We still love you as a friend, that's why we tried to make this situation work. But it hurts when the same courtesy and consideration is not received in return.

Matt and Erica are driving down on Friday as she've told me this afternoon. You guys will be driving Henry's 4-Runner. So get in contact with her and let her know you are coming as well. Bring swim suits, sun block, bug spray, sneakers and long pants/shirt, just in case it gets cold.
-----------------------------------------------------------

and here is her reply:

"nvm i even asked"

=D Great weekend ahead, ladies~!

Pouring gasoline on fire

so as if my outburst of quarter-life crisis isn't enough, my friend started annoying the fuck out of me. I admit i've been some what of anti-social in the past year due to depression and what not. however, i feel like alright, enough with the self-pity, get your ass out there, catch up with old friends and meet some new ones. so i've been all paula dean-ish "c'mon y' all, i'm having a bbq party everyone, y'all"

anyways, so i've invited some people to a weekend get-a-way trip to the Poconos, PA. my friend's got a country house up there and it's supposed to be nice and out door-sy with bbq, hiking and rafting sort of activities. plus, almost all of my friends have dogs, so it could be a cute doggie play date too.

long story short, i invited friends from boston as well. i know it's about 5 hour drive down to PA, but it's the summer, you are supposed to get out. dude, if all i had to pay is $50 for 2 night stay and unlimited food, id be there in a heart beat. so i asked 3 couples and 1 single friend. 1 couple backed out, alright fine, fuck them, moving on. another couple backed out 4 days before the trip, well, they had an excuse, the guy just found a new job and didn't want to take 2 days off right off of the bat, alright, understandable, but that's still shady. so now we r down to 1 couple and 1 single friend from boston to come down. the single friend backed out a while back, i thought, ok, well, i wouldn't want to be the 10th wheel either, so ok, she doesn't know the other 2 couples and she'd feel weird being in a house with all couples and dogs.

now, the last couple still coming down is the single friend's best friend. i thought, hm, since they'd be driving down together anyways and they are best friends, maybe if i invite her again, she'd be more comfortable to come. so i called her and she didn't pick up. she called back while i was walking daisy, so H picked up. H informed her that the other 2 couples are not coming, if she still wants to come, she can just come down with her best friend and it'd be a nice weekend without her feeling like a 10th wheel.

r u ready for her response? here it is: well, i don't feel appreciated when people just ask me to go when people back out. its ok, i don't want to go. you guys are only asking me to go b/c you don't have enough people. i don't like to be treated like a second option... blah blah blah..

first of all, bitch, YOU ARE THE ONE who's all like, omg, steph, we totally have to catch up. it's been so long since i've seen you guys, i miss daisy so much. i want to come visit you! I'm thinking, yea cool, that'd be nice. but i'm planning a weekend get-a-way, why don't you come with us? She's all like, ok, give me a few days to think about it. emails me to tell me she doesn't want to go, but we should go have fun.

We will have fun. and guess what, we will have fun without you. cus your cranky ass won't be there. what, you think i'd cancel the trip cuz you ain't gonna be there? everyone's gonna miss ya cuz you ain't there? get over your fucking self pls. i fucking hate it when people flatter themselves to think i invite only to fill up space. if i don't fucking care about u, i wouldn't even ask. for one, i'm not a super friendly person where i'd just invite anybody to an outting. if it wasn't for H, i wouldn't be fucking talking to half of the bitches i talk to.

this is why i don't bother talking to people, making friends and shit. cus people like that pisses me the fuck off. this is why i'm so fucking angry all the time! i fucking hate self-important bitches that thinks everyone's on their case about everything. i swear, i should have been a guy, cuz i can't deal with fucking bitches and i'm supposed to be a girly girl and all nice and shit. i don't get why this bitch does not get it. i've bitched her out numerous times, i've cussed her out in front of her face, almost slapping her. BUT WHY DOESNT SHE GET IT? why is it so hard for people to just stop being all ignorant and sensitive about shit. why is everytime i make an effort to be nice, people think i'm up for something? this is why i don't even fucking try no more.

women are bitches. all of them. so fucking complicated.

interesting comment..

throwingmuses said...
I do not know you personally but i can certainly empathize with your situation. I used to work at Salomon Smith Barney for three years and finally got out of the business all together because my boss and the work was just awful to the point it was making me ill. Every morning I felt like throwing up. I am so much happier now. I suggest you skip the MBA quit frankly unless you can be sure that the finance business or some sector of it can make you happy- it would be a shame to spend all that time and money - take a break from work albeit school-only to end up right back in the same situation you were before.Musings

Hi Musings, thanks for visiting my blog and leaving such a thoughtful comment. I definitely thought about this whole finance thing, do i really like it? am i just in it b/c of what everyone else thinks?
I actually did my first real internship at Citigroup Smith Barney, working under a wealth manager. I admit, I was fasinated by the corner office with a view of the Boston Bay, the chic suits, the big glossy lobby with marble floors. I thought, this is what I want. I went into Finance major thinking it'd be great to learn how to manage and investment money, if this falls through, at least i know how to invest my own money later on.
Before graduation, I always knew I wanted to be in the investment/finance industry, I wanted to get a feel of different job positions, travel maybe, learn some valuations, rub shoulders with the higher managements. Well, my first real job wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Since joining the Audit industry, I feel like I'm stuck, I can't go anywhere. I'll always be labeled as an Auditor.
2 yrs passed by. I still haven't figured out what I want to do in the finance industry. I can't be a banker now, it's too late. I can't be a trader nor researcher, b/c I have no real finance background, I AM IN ACCOUNTING! THE BORINGEST SHIT TO DO IN THE WORLD! i thought going to MBA would help me to figure out what I want to do. But truthfully, honestly, in the bottom of my heart, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!
Quitting my job now is unfeasiable, I've already built a life style around the kind of salary i earn. so I guess you can say, I'm working for the money. Finding what I like to do? well.. aside from make up, i have no fucking idea what i like. make up is something that can take my attention away, that draws me in, i have passion for make up. however, I've always thought I had passion for teaching as well. I've taught and tutored English and Chinese, both job I've thoroughly enjoyed. However, how can I afford a mortgage, a 3-4 trips a year life style on a teacher's salary?
Sigh.. it's a vicious cycle. I know. I have no idea if after MBA i'd figure out what I like to do. MBA is kind of like a golden ticket to the unknown, but it'll give me some time to figure out what I want. Maybe I just see it as, once I'm done with MBA, i'll figure everything out! i'll be all set!

So my question is.... what are you doing now? how did you make the transition? does the money factor ever come into play? how did you know what you are doing now is what you want to do for the rest of your life?

ready to ripe her face off

if she comes by my cube ONE MORE TIME!

it's fuckin 10:15, I've sat my ass down barely an hour ago and this fucking bitch manager has been coming by my cube 6 times! and IMed me 3 times! I can't fucking stand her!

I'm ready to fucking whack her in the face with a binder. This fucking bitch comes by my cube, opens up the binder on my desk, checks for something, closes it and leaves. 2 seconds later, she comes back again, "oh i'm sorry, i forgot the # i was looking for", opens up the binder, closes it, leaves. BITCH, IF YOU WANT TO CHECK THE FUCKIN #, ASK ME! OR TAKE THE FUCKING BINDER. why the fuck u all up in my personal space? i fucking that bitches like that. they think they can come to my cube and just assumes they can touch shit on my desk.

omg, i'm so fucking fed up with her! i swear, 90% of my stress comes from her bitch ass. this is the manager that says shit like "I can't believe that girl went to Target to shop.. I shop at BERGDORF GOODMAN for shoes." Uh... ok... good to know you are a fucking judgemental bitch with a stick in your ass. the next day, i showed up with a shirt i bought at Target, she's all like "OOHHH.. that's so cute! is that from Banana?" "No... it's from Target." I've never seen/heard a laugh so embarassing. it's that fake ass chuckle, like, uh oh hahahaa.. stupid ass bitch get your foot caught in your mouth, how that taste now bitch?

i swear my brain cells are decreasing by the billions b/c the shit this woman talks are so fucking brainless, i don't even know what to say to her. sometimes i pity her b/c she's from australia, she doesn't know that what she says are WRONG in america. i don't know any australians or know that culture very much, but all i know is nobody likes her in the office. the amount of fuckin retarded shit that she says, i'm surprised she isn't fired yet, along with that dumb ass 4'11" VP who says stupid shit just like her "is your boyfriend a red neck?" who da fuck in the right mind says shit like that? It's like saying "is your wife a viet whore?" i swear to god, dumb ass people who can kiss ass makes it to the top. I think i have no fucking hope in corp. america. I cannot comprehend how these people got to where they are being the way they are.

another things this woman bugs me about is, she cannot send links through IM for some reason. so everytime she's look at some shoes online and wanted to show me, she either IMs me, askme to go over there to look at it. OR, hear this, SHE PRINTS IT OUT! TO SHOW ME!

god
save
me....

I will always be my numba 1! and comment replies

In the mist of self doubt, I thought it'd nice to remind myself of all
the great things I am capable of. Numba 1 baby!

Picture taken @ mount everst base camp in Tibet. Circa june 2006

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Anonymous said...
"Slowly, I'm forgetting my dreams. I stop doing what I loved doing. I can't seem to find what I enjoy to do anymore. I can't seem to find one thing that will block the fact that I am a failure in my own world."I have no dreams left after college. I'm currently unemployed. I feel that I've totally failed in life and failed myself. What a sad post? Makes life all the more sorrowful. Life is like getting raped and rip off.

Anon - I don't think being unemployeed is a failure on your part only. It's a combination of things. many people who's worked 20+ years in a firm and eventurally got a pink slip. I think it is the bad economy and bad timing. It depends on your field of studies and area you live too I guess. NYC is just a place where opportunities are more present. I found a website called quarterlifecrisis.com there is a forum on there that many 20 something year old talk about their problem. I think it's a good way to relate. I read them from time to time, so I don't feel so alone.

fuzkittie said...
Great post that I can really relate to. A lot of times I wonder if I'm truly happy... I can't seem to find things that I just LOVE to do. :/ I'm working just to earn a load of money... but then again, I'm trying to earn money because I think I know what I want to do with the money. I think. I don't know. :

I know, at the begining it was so cool to earn so much money. Buying all the stuff you want and still have a whole bunch left in your bank account. Well, enjoy that while you can, b/c once you've become a home owner, you are a slave to the place you love to live. =( I wish I didn't move out so early, so I could rack up my savings. Now I barely have any. =*(**

Anne @ yummiebitez.com said...
omg i can totally relate to you, esp in # 1,3, and 5. I feel you on the job part though. i mean i looked forward on finally graduating thinking it'll give me the freedom and happiness only to disappoint me in the end. i'm not to ecstatic about my job but it does pay the bills especially right now that I should be even grateful that I am employed with a messed up economy (I am grateful... to a certain extent). I swear when I was reading your post, all I can say to myself was "me too!"anyway, i hope you find your happiness.

I hope I will find my happiness too~! Don't put depend on your job to give you any satification or happiness. That's what I did and it absolutely destroyed me. The way you see is great. It's just a job, a way to pay bills, especially NOW in this kind of economy. I'm grateful I still have a job and that I can still make my mortgage payment too. It's a luxury not that many people have. I am truly blessed. But I am just human, therefore, I am greedy. You always think grass is greener on the other side, you know?

blue_orchid84 said...
I know this feeling! The doubt about life and how it will turn out to be for oneself. I had this feeling for two years. That's a really long time for sustaining melancholy, self pity, doubt and insecurities about one's capabilities. My situation was a bit like what you mentioned with trying to get to NYU. I wanted to get to Oxbridge for as long as I can think. After highschool, I was invited to an interview. I was sooo excited because the majority is rejected straight away. However, I know I messed up my third interview. English is not my first language, not my second, not even my third. So, even though I was very fluent in English, my vacubulary regarding chemistry was rather limited. (Guess what, I was asked several chemestry equation and reaction functions - and I applied for oriental studies...) I was rejected 2 months later. As I result, I still made it to one of Europe's top management schools, but the feeling was just not the same coz it just wasn't what I have been dreaming/aiming for. To have been this close to fulfilling one's dream and then not making it on the finishing line - this really, deeply sucks!The key to being happy again, is not trying too hard. To stop thinking what might have been. I know it sounds easy and I hated it when my parents/friends kept telling me these lines. One day, I was so unhappy with my old uni, that I just stopped going to it. I started searching for other top b-schools that admit transfer students. I have taken quite some risks and my parents were very shocked, but I changed my situation. Unexpectadly, I moved to another country to finish my studies, was interested in what I studied, liked my environment and graduated within the top 10% of my class. My point is to stop thinking about it and start doing something. Planning is not always a good thing, though. Often, when I start to plan, I am more aware of the pros and cons and the magnitude of change involved. As a result, I am more likely to chicken out. I strongly believe in karma and I think as long as one gives the best possbile input, one will always be adequately rewarded.Wish you luck with your Gmat and Insead. You have your ticket to another, hopefully, excellent job.Hugs,Jaya

Thanks for your encouraging yet down to earth words. It's hard to listen to advise when your self confidence is about as big as sesame, you know? I've been successful before too. I was never a failure to myself until I started working and realized, my hard work and geniune personality won't be recognized unless I kiss ass and be fake to people. The social skills we've aquired in school isn't the same that'd make us successful in the real world. Hard work will pay off, of course I believe that, but the reward doesn't come as quickly and easily as when you were in school.

A short story...When every one of my friend had a job offer, I was still searching for something that suited me. I was unwilling to settle for less. I wanted to work in Manhattan and that's that, no ifs and buts. I refused to go to any Boston based company for interview, not to waste their and my time. 1 month before I graduted. I was still without a job. and the only offer I've gotten has withdrawn their offer, b/c I waited too long to give them an answer. Finally, a dream company came to my school at last minute and I scored an interview, flew out to NYC, interviewed for 1 entire day whilst still had 3 exams the next day. But I did it. I got my dream job, and an offer that was $10,000 more plus bonuses! I was in heaven for those few months after graduation. Then soon realized, the "dream" job ain't so dreamy nor great. I've been cheated and lied to about what my job functionality is, and now it's too late for me to leave. I was stuck in an industry I intentionally avoided and yet to still end up here. I tried to tell myself this is God's plan, everything happens for a reason. But no matter how great of a plan he had for me, doing the same job that i HATE for 2 year can wear on people.

A reward sometimes is in disguise of a bigger challenge. I wished for hardship and challenge in my early years and never for once thought I wanted an easy job, so I can live comfortably without struggle. I knew I had to struggle in order to learn and grow, especially when I'm young. So did you think God rewards me or is he punishing me? I feel like he's giving me an opportunity to excel, to come through, even though it's not something I like doing. but this is the only way I can learn to be humble and go against all odds. at the end, I still think I'm doing extremely well in terms of my career path/life, but it's just one of those days when you feel like everything is just against you, and you wonder if God ever changed his plan on you. frustration can turn into depression, stress and pressure will either make you or break you. this is just my way of releasing my stress/frustration.

Anonymous said...
Dear I can relate to it, asking your friends to come over and stay with you, so you can survive the night..and they never show up. At the same time is so great that you have so many precious things in your life , like Daisy, your adored H, a city that you like, a mind full of dreams...I believe we will soon find the strenght to embrace life with new perspective...we used to be that way right?I have nothing useful to say to you, only wish you the best and thank you sincerely for your interesting blog.Hugs, Mimmy.

Mimmy, thanks for dropping by again. my blog is a big ol' mess that have no focus. but that's kind of like my life now. No real focus. Just living.. day by day.. I'm extremely happy to have H and Daisy, without them I wouldn't know what to do! Just all the other people surrounding me that pisses me off. Sadly, I have to spend 8 hours of my life everyday with them. Sigh...

millie said...
sometimes i feel that way with my friends too and then the only person i can turn to is my bf...then my friends think i spend too much time with him..it's a vicious cycle @__@
August 1, 2008 12:41 AM

millie, i used to think the same way too. i didin't want to be "that" girl, who always use the bf as an excuse to bail out on girls only outtings. so i never turned myself again my girls. but once they've turned on me. i'm done. plus they all have bfs too. at the end of day, you want to invest time in those who would return the favor, you know? i love being with my girls, but if they won't be there for me when i needed, what's the point of me being there for them? don't feel bad about hanging out with your bf and ignoring your friends. your bf can be your best friend too! H is like my bf, best friend and girl friend. He can totally tell me if my foundation color is off or my blushes are too bright. =)