"don't let a piece of rat shit ruin a pot of soup" - old chinese saying

i'd like to say thanks to everyone who gave me their 2 cents on how they'd reacted in this situation. you know, some day you just feel like you are either the crazy one of the only sane one.

anyways, she wrote back some thing along the lines of "i wanted to ease the tension by asking you if i could come again, obviously that was a naive thought. blah blah.. i might have canceled on your before, but i don't recall, however, i thought i've explained myself to make sure you were ok with it... bluh bluh... i'll definitely try not to give you a blunt answer next time before i find out the full detail, bluh bluh.. hope we are still cool.. and enjoy the wilderness this wknd."

sigh.. honestly, i felt really bad after i thought about what i wrote to her. i felt like i was overreacting. and making a big fuzz out of it. so i thought, ok, well, she's "apologizing" without saying sorry, but i can't get over the fact that she still thinks she's doing ME a FAVOR by coming. i am so fed up with her indecisiveness. so I told her, "we are cool. and it's partly my fault, b/c you've always been so indecisive and cancel/accept last min, and i was always ok with it, b/c you are my friend and i accepted you as who you are. it is known to us that you are the kind of person who would change your mind last min, so we've always expected it and accepted it. however, there is only so many times you could do this. i'm just fed up with it and told you off. I apologize for the blow up, and i'm PMSing, but you are front and center, so i couldn't help it. Sorry. We'll definitely enjoy the wknd and take lots of pictures!"

i have been friends with her since 10/2005. we have been pretty close through out the years, she moves down to NY for 1 yr, then moved back again. during the time she was in NY, we hung out quite a bit, she came over quite often and I really appreciated her company, since i was living alone. I don't know why is it that all of a sudden, I couldn't stand her indecisiveness even though she's always been like this and I knew it. somewhere inside of me just got sick of having people step all over me and take advantage of me.

my god bro came over last night and saw my face and instantly knew there was something wrong. i told him the story, he's like, that's your fault, you let her get to you. you blew up on her to get your pride back, but now you feel sorry for hurting someone else's feeling. it's so true what he said, i always hold back my feelings b/c i don't want to make someone else uncomfortable, even though it's making ME uncomfortable. but i have a limit, i guess the limit was reached yesterday.

he also said something else that completely just torn me apart and i started crying, he said "you look so unhappy. you look so stressed out. something else is bothering you. it's not just that situation. what's going on?" I said "there is nothing else going on, i'm happy. H is here and we r gonna have a fun wknd. nothing's going wrong." He said "you are not tell him everything, b/c you don't know what to say. and everytime you tell him, you think he doesn't understand, so you don't tell him your feelings. you are bottling it up. do u get anxious? do u get depressed? you think life's shit and u don't know how to make it better? you feel like u r not good enough, doing all that you can. i bet you want to go back to school to escape the reality.."

as he went on, i felt so uncomfortable as if he could see through me. he knows exactly what i'm thinking. i start tearing up. i felt like this bottomless sorrow just start pouring up. i've told you guys before i have anxiety disorders and depression. however, i think i've gotten better at it. i've never seen a therapist nor been on any drugs (I carry my Xanax around, which is expired already, just to make me feel better). he urged me to go see a therapist and let it out. b/c right now, im just standing at the same place looking at the end of the tunnel witha telescope. i may see the sun, the tress and the bees, but i'm still at the same ol' place.

i think i might go see a therapist.. but i'm just afraid of opening up a can of worms. i'm afraid i won't be able to face my fears. i don't know.. i need time to think about this..