I will always be my numba 1! and comment replies

In the mist of self doubt, I thought it'd nice to remind myself of all
the great things I am capable of. Numba 1 baby!

Picture taken @ mount everst base camp in Tibet. Circa june 2006

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Anonymous said...
"Slowly, I'm forgetting my dreams. I stop doing what I loved doing. I can't seem to find what I enjoy to do anymore. I can't seem to find one thing that will block the fact that I am a failure in my own world."I have no dreams left after college. I'm currently unemployed. I feel that I've totally failed in life and failed myself. What a sad post? Makes life all the more sorrowful. Life is like getting raped and rip off.

Anon - I don't think being unemployeed is a failure on your part only. It's a combination of things. many people who's worked 20+ years in a firm and eventurally got a pink slip. I think it is the bad economy and bad timing. It depends on your field of studies and area you live too I guess. NYC is just a place where opportunities are more present. I found a website called quarterlifecrisis.com there is a forum on there that many 20 something year old talk about their problem. I think it's a good way to relate. I read them from time to time, so I don't feel so alone.

fuzkittie said...
Great post that I can really relate to. A lot of times I wonder if I'm truly happy... I can't seem to find things that I just LOVE to do. :/ I'm working just to earn a load of money... but then again, I'm trying to earn money because I think I know what I want to do with the money. I think. I don't know. :

I know, at the begining it was so cool to earn so much money. Buying all the stuff you want and still have a whole bunch left in your bank account. Well, enjoy that while you can, b/c once you've become a home owner, you are a slave to the place you love to live. =( I wish I didn't move out so early, so I could rack up my savings. Now I barely have any. =*(**

Anne @ yummiebitez.com said...
omg i can totally relate to you, esp in # 1,3, and 5. I feel you on the job part though. i mean i looked forward on finally graduating thinking it'll give me the freedom and happiness only to disappoint me in the end. i'm not to ecstatic about my job but it does pay the bills especially right now that I should be even grateful that I am employed with a messed up economy (I am grateful... to a certain extent). I swear when I was reading your post, all I can say to myself was "me too!"anyway, i hope you find your happiness.

I hope I will find my happiness too~! Don't put depend on your job to give you any satification or happiness. That's what I did and it absolutely destroyed me. The way you see is great. It's just a job, a way to pay bills, especially NOW in this kind of economy. I'm grateful I still have a job and that I can still make my mortgage payment too. It's a luxury not that many people have. I am truly blessed. But I am just human, therefore, I am greedy. You always think grass is greener on the other side, you know?

blue_orchid84 said...
I know this feeling! The doubt about life and how it will turn out to be for oneself. I had this feeling for two years. That's a really long time for sustaining melancholy, self pity, doubt and insecurities about one's capabilities. My situation was a bit like what you mentioned with trying to get to NYU. I wanted to get to Oxbridge for as long as I can think. After highschool, I was invited to an interview. I was sooo excited because the majority is rejected straight away. However, I know I messed up my third interview. English is not my first language, not my second, not even my third. So, even though I was very fluent in English, my vacubulary regarding chemistry was rather limited. (Guess what, I was asked several chemestry equation and reaction functions - and I applied for oriental studies...) I was rejected 2 months later. As I result, I still made it to one of Europe's top management schools, but the feeling was just not the same coz it just wasn't what I have been dreaming/aiming for. To have been this close to fulfilling one's dream and then not making it on the finishing line - this really, deeply sucks!The key to being happy again, is not trying too hard. To stop thinking what might have been. I know it sounds easy and I hated it when my parents/friends kept telling me these lines. One day, I was so unhappy with my old uni, that I just stopped going to it. I started searching for other top b-schools that admit transfer students. I have taken quite some risks and my parents were very shocked, but I changed my situation. Unexpectadly, I moved to another country to finish my studies, was interested in what I studied, liked my environment and graduated within the top 10% of my class. My point is to stop thinking about it and start doing something. Planning is not always a good thing, though. Often, when I start to plan, I am more aware of the pros and cons and the magnitude of change involved. As a result, I am more likely to chicken out. I strongly believe in karma and I think as long as one gives the best possbile input, one will always be adequately rewarded.Wish you luck with your Gmat and Insead. You have your ticket to another, hopefully, excellent job.Hugs,Jaya

Thanks for your encouraging yet down to earth words. It's hard to listen to advise when your self confidence is about as big as sesame, you know? I've been successful before too. I was never a failure to myself until I started working and realized, my hard work and geniune personality won't be recognized unless I kiss ass and be fake to people. The social skills we've aquired in school isn't the same that'd make us successful in the real world. Hard work will pay off, of course I believe that, but the reward doesn't come as quickly and easily as when you were in school.

A short story...When every one of my friend had a job offer, I was still searching for something that suited me. I was unwilling to settle for less. I wanted to work in Manhattan and that's that, no ifs and buts. I refused to go to any Boston based company for interview, not to waste their and my time. 1 month before I graduted. I was still without a job. and the only offer I've gotten has withdrawn their offer, b/c I waited too long to give them an answer. Finally, a dream company came to my school at last minute and I scored an interview, flew out to NYC, interviewed for 1 entire day whilst still had 3 exams the next day. But I did it. I got my dream job, and an offer that was $10,000 more plus bonuses! I was in heaven for those few months after graduation. Then soon realized, the "dream" job ain't so dreamy nor great. I've been cheated and lied to about what my job functionality is, and now it's too late for me to leave. I was stuck in an industry I intentionally avoided and yet to still end up here. I tried to tell myself this is God's plan, everything happens for a reason. But no matter how great of a plan he had for me, doing the same job that i HATE for 2 year can wear on people.

A reward sometimes is in disguise of a bigger challenge. I wished for hardship and challenge in my early years and never for once thought I wanted an easy job, so I can live comfortably without struggle. I knew I had to struggle in order to learn and grow, especially when I'm young. So did you think God rewards me or is he punishing me? I feel like he's giving me an opportunity to excel, to come through, even though it's not something I like doing. but this is the only way I can learn to be humble and go against all odds. at the end, I still think I'm doing extremely well in terms of my career path/life, but it's just one of those days when you feel like everything is just against you, and you wonder if God ever changed his plan on you. frustration can turn into depression, stress and pressure will either make you or break you. this is just my way of releasing my stress/frustration.

Anonymous said...
Dear I can relate to it, asking your friends to come over and stay with you, so you can survive the night..and they never show up. At the same time is so great that you have so many precious things in your life , like Daisy, your adored H, a city that you like, a mind full of dreams...I believe we will soon find the strenght to embrace life with new perspective...we used to be that way right?I have nothing useful to say to you, only wish you the best and thank you sincerely for your interesting blog.Hugs, Mimmy.

Mimmy, thanks for dropping by again. my blog is a big ol' mess that have no focus. but that's kind of like my life now. No real focus. Just living.. day by day.. I'm extremely happy to have H and Daisy, without them I wouldn't know what to do! Just all the other people surrounding me that pisses me off. Sadly, I have to spend 8 hours of my life everyday with them. Sigh...

millie said...
sometimes i feel that way with my friends too and then the only person i can turn to is my bf...then my friends think i spend too much time with him..it's a vicious cycle @__@
August 1, 2008 12:41 AM

millie, i used to think the same way too. i didin't want to be "that" girl, who always use the bf as an excuse to bail out on girls only outtings. so i never turned myself again my girls. but once they've turned on me. i'm done. plus they all have bfs too. at the end of day, you want to invest time in those who would return the favor, you know? i love being with my girls, but if they won't be there for me when i needed, what's the point of me being there for them? don't feel bad about hanging out with your bf and ignoring your friends. your bf can be your best friend too! H is like my bf, best friend and girl friend. He can totally tell me if my foundation color is off or my blushes are too bright. =)