Giving

I've planned on writing this post for a very long time. Finally, when I finished wrapping the presents last night, I pushed myself to just let it out.

2007 has been an especially hard year for me. It all started with the relapses of my anxiety attack, and leaving it *still* untreated, turned it into mild depression. I don't believe I was suicidal, but I was a wrack, I've never seen myself like that. No matter how hard life has been, getting my heart broken, facing with fiercy competition or being away from my family, I have always been able to hold my own. But this time, I just completely lost it. It has to do with my inability to understand this world, if I can't understand it, I can't perform and compete for what I want.

In school, I knew exactly what I wanted and I have gotten everything - good grades, great internships with investment firms and a group of friends whom I loved and adored. But once I stepped out of the ivory tower, I've lost all the drive and motivation that I once had. It scared me that in this world, effort doesn't mean everything. Face time and ass kissing get you further than your hard work. It really was a slap in the face.

I have a very "hard" personality. I snap easily and I will let you know what's on my mind - if I don't say it, you can read it on my face. So when I got into corporate America, where wearing a Mask is your daily job, I felt like I failed at pretending. I don't want to go on about all the dirty nasty shit that goes in here, you will see it once you are in it, no one and nothing can prepare you for this.

When I got my first job as a consultant for Protiviti, my god, I was so happy I started crying the moment I hung up the phone with the director (he was the one who called me and gave me the offer). I mean, it's a dream job! I get to travel, work with different clients and the money was way more than what I had imagined! I thought wow, Stephanie, you've finally made it! They flew us for training in Philly and Houston. It was wine and dine every single night. Eatting out in fabulous expensive resturantes, staying in hotels and getting car services to and from the airport. Then I got put on a client in NJ. Now, seriously, who wants to work in Jersey? Not to disrespect, I'm from Jersey and will always be a Jersey girl, but I've worked so hard to get a job in Manhattan, I've rejected the job offer in Conn. to get sent to Jersey? Not to mention, I was on it for 6 months! Given it was our biggest client and you get a lot more respect for being on this client, but I couldn't help but to feel disoppinted.

Life got better when I got to work on the fraud investigation engagement. It involved a few things I like.. China, data analysis and BEING IN THE CITY! Oh, I forgot, we got to order out of my favoriate Chinese resturante in Manhattan (WuLiangYe) almost every day. Well, with great reward, comes great sacrifices. I was working on average 70-80 hours per week. At times, I'd work 100 hours including weekends. For a month, I worked EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was crazy, but at the end, we were able to deliver to our clients the best work and that's what really matters.

Though I felt accomplished and felt I could establish myself there after, I didn't want to stay in uncertainty all the time. I never knew when or where my next engagement would be, it could be in Albany for all I know. And in consulting, if you are not on a client, you are not chargable. If you are not chargable, people are going to think you are undesired. Everyone wants to be on the hottest clients and have 120% chargable time (bill to client time/alotted time *40hr/wk*). I've never seen so much ass kissing in my entire life! Plus there is nothing I could do to put myself on a client. It's frustrating to sit in the office and not get assigned. People will talk and your name will come up. I don't like to feel powerless.

So I jumped ship after merely 8 months with Protiviti and landed a job at Lehman Brothers. Now, life's been pretty good. Hours are reasonable, pay is higher and I have my own cube. But I won't stop here, I know this is not it for me. I don't believe I will be an auditor for the rest of my life. So I'm gearing up for GMAT and CFA next year. Hopefully by 2009, I will be in NYU Stern getting my MBA while studying for CFA Level II and III.

So what does all of these have to do with giving? Like I said, this year was so hard and I have encountered some real serious emotional problems. My confidence was so low that I started to be very sensitive about everything about me. i.e. I'd mind if someone paid $1 at a dinner, I'd mind if I drove people around and they didn't give me gas money, I'd be extremely sensitive about what people said about me and I trusted NO ONE.

I've always said, I trust nobody but myself. If I can't gain from you, I will never give you. But those were not true. Ever since I was young, I've been very trusting to everyone around me. I've been back stabbing countless times and I admit, sometimes I wish I had never made the friends I did. But everything happens for a reason, I leave that up to God to let me know. So far, He's been treating me very nice, so I don't believe those things were that bad at all. Secondly, I don't hold grudges. Life's too short to hate on people and it takes too much energy to focus on what others are doing. In a perfect world, I'd have no friends, because most of the time, I feel like they've taken more than they've given to me.

But!! that is all before I've really started to think outside of my own little world. I never thought that I've received gifts from people I've never given anything to. I only thought about those I've given to and they've never given back. Then it hit me. Isn't that what I'm doing too? I've hurted people without knowing. and in turn, people hurt me without knowing. Why do I only focus on those whom I've given to and not those who have given to me?

I felt so ashamed of myself. All these time I'm hating and cursing, but I missed out on all those people who truly cared about me...

In some way, I just told myself, some people show love differently. I cannot ask everyone to be just like me. I cannot ask everyone to be thoughtful and caring ALL THE TIME. So, the magic of changing the prospect on things is just YOUR MIND.

This is why I started thinking about all the goods everyone have done for me. i.e. taking care of Daisy when I'm not home, staying with me when I'm scared to be alone, or cook for me when I'm sick. Those little things really means a lot to me. So even though I didn't receive ANY GIFTS this year for my birthday. I will look at all of those as gifts, because they mean so much more to me than just material things. But that doesn' meant I don't like materialistic thing. hehehe...

I wrapped 9 presents last night and I'm not even done yet. Why so many you ask? because everyone's got a multiple gifts. I thought of all the things I liked when I receive gifts and came up with a few rules....

1. Think about what you like to receive and do the same.
2. Kind of a repeat as #1, but, never give a gift you won't like yourself.
3. Be thoughtful. You know that snow globe will be left unused.
4. A hand written card with thoughtful messages is A GREAT GIFT! Get poetic.
5. An experience is a better gift than a box of chocolate, tickets to movies maybe?
6. Gift card just means you gave up. Your friend will give up on you in return.
7. Give money is great. just don't complain when you don't receive a gift, b/c no one will rememeber the person who just gave money.
8. Wrap your damn presents! half of the experience is to open the gift
9. Always include a gift receipt if possible.
10. Re-gift is perfectly fine if you are 100% sure the giver won't find out. =)

I cannot stress how important it is to be "thoughtful" about your gift. I think anything is fine if your friend has mentioned they wanted it. Please THINK before you give. I've received chocolates with assort nuts and almost wanted to throw that box away (I hate nuts and she was my roommate, which means, SHE DEFINITELY KNEW!). And I received a shirt in size Medium. Are you trying to say something here? Why don't you tell me to my face? If this is a re-gift, you've failed misserably. Cus I know your ass is a medium.

Please please do not give anybody what you won't like. A key chain means "here, I got something at the airport, I don't know what the fuck to get you." Unless, of course, the key chain's $80. I've gotten 4 of my friends Gucci key chains from Hong Kong. I know, ain't it cool to be my friends? cus I'm a label whore, therefore they get to enjoy the free ride too!

Over the years, I've received some awesome gifts. My most memorable one will always be my 20th birthday. It was a well planned surprise party while I was studying in Hong Kong. It wasn't the materialistic things that got my heart. But the one thing that valued the most to me, which I never had - true friendship. 8 of my friends, some I was very close with, some I don't chat with much, but was a part of the group. They all surprised me at a hot pot spot, the whole thing was planned by my ex-boyfriend, whom by the way broke my heart into million pieces, till this day. He had a whole plan of who gets the flower, who gets the cake, who go book the table, who get the gift, what to say to me to hide the event and where to take me afterwards. It was so well planned, I was CLUELESS! I didn't think I'd have a big party of anything, because I was only turning 20, not a big deal. I asked people if they were free Friday night to have a small dinner (I had planned to cook dinner for everyone and just chill, that's what I loved the most). But everyone was busy with some prior engagement. So I sighed and asked my ex what should we do. He then said, how about we just have dinner, me and you? I was happy to just have him with me, cus at that time our relationship wasn't "clear". Turns out I got so mad at him, because I was sooooo hungry! and it was 8pm already. And he's taking forever to get ready! I threw on some sweat shirts and jeans. He's all like.. why don't you dress up? It's your bday. I'm all like "it's my bday, you better feed me soon, cus I'm hunnnnnnngry. I wanna be comfy cus I'm planning on eatting a lot" yea, the horror on his face, can you imagine?

I was so hungry and pissed off (don't mess with me when I'm hungry), I didn't talk to him the entire trip there. Then we couldn't get a table at the hot pot place and they waitress had us wait forever! (it turns out that the person with the cake was running late and he wanted to make sure I don't see him, so he had me waitting). I was about to just head out the door, then all of a sudden, he took my head and turned me around to face him. His hands were squashing my cheeks, so I had a fish mouth. WTH IS HE DOING????!!! he then started asking me stupid questions like "is it red between my brows? i feel like it's on fire, can you look?" "huh??? wth r u talking about?" I threw his hands down and got even more pissed off. Then he later told me, he did that, because the guy with the cake was coming in and I was walking out the door, I almost saw him, so he had to turn me around and let the guy slide in.

hahahaa... clever little boy... now I think about that night, it still brings a smile to myself. All 8 of them spent so much time putting this even together. and they got me a Swaorski bracelet, cus they knew I liked shiny crystals. But the first present was even better, a little wooden box, with everyone's name burned on it (some kind of art popular in HK), and in the box everyone wrote on a little post-it(ghetto!) their wishes. I cried.. like a baby... I think no one will ever do that for me again.. that's why that 20th birtthday means so much to me. they've spent the time and effort into making everything perfect. Just for me! I don't deserve all of these?! But they told me, all the dinners I've cooked for them was enough for them to go all out on me. I was so willing to cook for them! I'm even surprised they liked my food! Never in a million years would I imagine I deserved this...

That night marked the begining of me and my ex bf's relationship. He won me over, hands down. It's too bad only a cheater knows how to win a girl's heart..

Sigh.. anways, the point of this post is just to get some stuff off of my chest. Be merry and thankful, my friends. Give to those who've given you, big or small. You know you like to receive, why not give? I promise you, it feels even better than receiving!