depression..

it's not news to everyone that i see a therapist and the reason for it is i have anxiety disorder. i don't like being victimized as someone suffering from mental illness, however, i am not going to run away from the fact, i could use a little help in that area.

anxiety and depression are like every other emotion we feel, such as happiness, pleasure, and fear, everyone feels it and it comes and goes. i had my first anxiety attack, though i didn't know at the time, at the age of 6 or 7. i woke up from a nightmare and was freaking out. it was a sleep over night at my friend's house, i woke up in cold sweats and shook her hoping to wake her up, she didn't. so i ran out to the living room and start knocking on her parents or grandparent's door. at the time, i thought it was just a nightmare or separation anxiety from my mom. now i know, it's more than that, it was an anxiety attack.

my last big anxiety attack was of NO REASON. i was sitting in my living room talking on the phone with my ex, and all of a sudden, i felt like i was going to die. i couldn't breathe, my hands were shaking and sweating, and i was gasping for air. the world was spinning and seriously i thought i was going to pass out.

went to the ER, they told me i was fine and sent to a psychaitrist on site, he prescribed Xanax for me. i took it maybe once or twice, it really just made me feel calm, sleepy and relaxed. i thought to myself, it's just all mental, i can battle through it. for a yr and a half, i didn't see a doctor, didn't take any xanax, just kind of dealt with it on my own.

when u feel like u r going to die out of no where for no reason, you start to fear you will have that feeling any where any time. my mind was consumed with the anticipation of anxiety attacks. slowly, depression followed. i lost interested in everything i do, i couldn't concentrate when i'm at work or with friends, i couldn't figure out the meaning of life and yet can't stop asking myself, everything was sad and depressing to me. i cried most of the time. and hated life. i truly felt living was suffering and dying would be easier. i could not understand why are we put on this earth to LIVE? why do we go to work? why do we buy food? why do we talk to friends? why do these to just LIVE? it seemed purposeless to me.

i know it sounds insane and makes no sense. but i am obsessed with thinking of this "life" questions. about 8 months ago, i decided to see a therapist and psychaitrist. no particular event triggered. i was just sick of feeling like shit every single day. i wanted to know WHY?

8 months later, i am now back in the black hole called depression, or in my therapist's words, moderate depression. he suggested i go on some kind of medication. he also suggested, i have phobia of being alone. right now, i don't know what to think. i don't want to believe him, i hate that he labeles me with these medical terms. i do not want to rely on medication yet, i am not ready. i do think i am strong and smart enough to work through whatever it is that's truly bothering me.

this may seems like a senseless post, but i am really on here to help myself get through this. i want to keep writing, whenever i feel the need, about my feelings through this depression, to see how i've evolved out of it. so that i can see for myself how i got through it. for anyone, all the women, out there suffering from anxiety and depression, please write to me. i want to know your stories, i want to remain hopeful. and for anyone who's suffering this in silence, please do know, you are not alone.

i believe in my heart, life is full of hope, happiness and love that we deserve. but at this particular point of my life, i see the world as sad, depressing and meaningless place. i do know i am just stuck and i can work on it to get out of it. i am not against medication, i just am not ready for it yet. whatever that happened to me during my life and how my brain processed my feelings is not something i can process, but i can change how i react to those things now. i can unlearn all the negative feelings and relearn how to face my fears.

for all my readers, i am still the old stephanie, i can still crack a joke. but i am also real, and i am dealing with real problems now that really doesn't involve much with makeup, however, i believe it is related to beauty, the kind of beauty you can only get from dealing with life and living through struggles. i hope my posts won't bring you down, i just hope my writing can help someone out there who's feeling hopeless, helpless and powerless, to know that you are not alone.

i know at my darkest moments, a smile from a stranger, a hello from friends, a comment from you is all that i need to see the beauty of life.. and this is what's keeping me going.. this is what's giving me hope...

thank you... to those who've been there with me through it all..