i've gone through a psychiatrist medical evaluation last Wed. it wasn't so bad, 1-hour of constant questions of what i felt, how i felt, basically all the symptoms i've had with anxiety and depression. the dr. recommanded Zoloft but i said i'd like to do this with therapy only first. so he prescribed Xanax for me to replace the expired ones I have been carrying around.
so anyways, i'm seeing my therapist tonight and i hope he gives me more advices than "to think about your loved ones and their love for you when you feel anxious". if i felt loved and cared for in the first place, i wouldn't be having anxiety attacks now, would i?
i'm trying to stire clear of medication for as long as i can. i know the side effects and also i think i'm strong enough to fight this on my own, but sometimes being strong is just not enough.
everytime my mom comes back to visit, my symptoms tends to get worse, b/c of how controling she is, also how she makes me feel like i'm not doing good enough. this past weekend we went on a little road trip, the weather was perfect and i finally saw the foliage. but things always had to be ruined, and i'm not sure how long i can take this. trying to please my mom while living my own life. hard to imagine i'm 24 yrs old paying my mortgage, yet i still live my life, to an extent, for someone else.
changes are on itsway, sooner or later, i'll be in a different country, living a different life, going through the thick and thins on my own. i don't see how different it is for me now, going through all these shit by myself. people act as if they care, but i know better, no one cares. i'm in it on my own. it's just a matter of gettting myself to face the truth of people. for as long as i have been jaded by this society and human beings in general, i still gave each of them a fair amount of chance. but each time i tried to forgive, it gives me another reason to remember it deeper.
i'm so tired of being unhappy. sometimes i think death would bring me to a better place. but i don't want to go out without a fight. i don't believe i can't make it to the end in this world. you may call me stubburn, but i will not let you call me a quitter.
hopefully, one day, i will be able to live, love and laugh.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
im in the same boat.
my psych teacher (who used to be psych doctor) said she honestly honestly feels that i have a mild to moderate case of anxiety and depression.
I've had anxiety attacks one too many times and im always unhappy. Plus im very irritable and I've even hit myself on a couple of occasions when i got very upset.
I tried asking my mother to go see a shrink but she refused. I can understand why she refused medication, bc of the side effects, but she refused to let me talk things out with a psych doctor altogether so i'm trying to battle this out. I've gotten better, and then all of a sudden i fall down again >_<
lately for this entire year, my mom has grown even more controlling and has been putting me down 24/7. im a freshman in college now and all i hear is "you better study or else you'll fail." or "make good grades this 1st semester because 2nd semester is hard and you will fail and at least if you make a good grade 1s semester that might cover for the 2nd semester". It's like, gee thanks mother for your support of my intelligence. since i dun really have money to live out on my own, i have to stay at home with my mother until i'm 21, unless if i get very lucky, i MIGHT be able to room with my friend at an apartment near my college. It's not that i hate my mother--no. i love her a lot, but i just feel that ever since she got laid off from work and has stayed home, her sense of logic is dissipating, her controllingness is skyrocketing, her hypocrisy has risen, and her criticisms can fill a book!
When I read your blog entry right here, i could feel myself in your place and I am hoping that the pysch doctor can help you and not give you that junk of "oh just be optomistic" crap cuz ur right, if we thought that way in the first place, we wouldn't have to see a doctor now!
please please do let me know about how it goes at the doctor's office since i do not have the opportunity to go and im in dire hope of needing all the help i can get cuz with my irritablity and down-in-the-dumps attitude i keep hurting people and i dun like it.(i've been like this for a couple years so i know my condition isn't a temporary teenager thing. this has been going on for 2-3 years now and my head hurts, heart hurts, and people are hurting because of this stupid disorder)
If i can find my school psychologist i'll try going to them because this anxiety and depression is eating my heart out and ruining all the fun that life has to offer.
i too wait for that day that i can TRULY live life happy and carefree and not have to worry.
take care and please do keep us posted on how things go. You give me hope to get out of this hole.
are you on the pill by any chance?
You definitely don't seem like the quitter type!!
"everytime my mom comes back to visit, my symptoms tends to get worse, b/c of how controling she is, also how she makes me feel like i'm not doing good enough."
That strike me to the core. Because it's exactly what happens to me. Though I don't have anxiety attacks, my emotions are definitely stirred when she comes around. I don't understand what I could possibly be doing wrong that would make her think that I'm not doing enough to have a happy life... :[ I feel you.
Well I think you're right. Most people in the world don't care about you (ppl in general, not just YOU). Most people are undependable, some people use you, etc. But even when there's just a couple of people who love you, hopefully it'll make things easier.
Some people think they have a shit ton of close friends, when in reality they're just friends to go party with on a constant basis and nothing more. The ones who you truly consider to be a close friend, even if it is a SO or sibling, or even your parents, sometimes are enough. It's okay. I'm not a very trusting person, and I don't hold many friends close to me because I've been let down way too many times. But the ones who are still close to me, I honor and cherish.
I hope things get better...
Hi there,i am visiting your blog every day for the last weeks(i'm new in bloggs) and i love it! I was very touched by your recent post.Unfortunately i agree that you have to go through this fase in your life alone.Its very difficult for someone to understand what you are going through.But i think the big secret is to try and see life from another angle.My personal way of getting on is that i find life so small to worry about every little thing,to try and please everyone because they want to.NO!You always come first,you must please yourself before anyone else!Life as we live it,can change in a minute,so why we cannot live it as we want?I didnt go to the university,just because my father wanted it so much,but i didnt!Never regreted that!Of course there are people we love and care and if they feel the same they have to understand.Do things every day,even small ones,that will please you,with or without company,"listen"to yourself,"discover"YOU!!!
Hey Steph,
I have a friend whose mom sent her to Canada alone from China when she was really young because she wanted her to have a better life. However, she always tells me that whenever she talks to her mom on the phone they always argue about anything and her mom always tries to control her life, even though she's living in Canada. Although she feels that her mom is trying to control her and telling her that she isn't do good enough in life, she stands back up and takes the criticism as a lesson on how to be a stronger person. Judging by your older posts, you remind me of my friend. I admire her as well as you because both of you are such strong people, you're independent and you're able to stand up for yourself no matter what the situation is. I'm the total opposite of that.
I find that if my friend is able to surround herself with positive things and people, she eventually forgets about how her mom is criticizing her and just keeps it in the back of her head as a reminder of how she could do better in life. Even if you don't want to disappoint your mom, you shouldn't have to change who you are just to impress someone. You are who you are.
I'm sure it's not easy, and I'm not in a position to say so since I'm not going through the same thing as you or my friend, but as long as you have positive thoughts and people around you and you don't bottle up your feelings, you can get through it. For every time you get beaten down, that should make you want to stand up and show everyone that you can't be beaten that easily.
I agree with you when you say that there are people who say they care but they don't. It totally sucks to find out that they don't care at all. But I've learned that I shouldn't (and i'm sure you've already did) waste any time on chasing those who don't even care about you to begin with.
I've always been told that the most changes in your life happens in the 20's. I'm sure after all these obstacles, you'll turn out to be a stronger person.
BTW, thanks for the P&J. I'm looking forward to that and your Lunasol review. There's a Shiseido counter in one of the major dept stores here, which only means...Maquillage! I want to get the Forming Shiny Eyes now after seeing yours and Fuz's reviews.
Hmm I have alot to say about this post but I wont because I am sure that its all passed for now??
I like your honesty though! I am going to link you to my blog so I can keep an eye on ya! lollol
Post a Comment