anxious about being anxious

i met with my shrink yesterday. british guy in a pinstrip suit, office over looking central park, he looks a little anthony hopkin-ish, in a less creepy way. this guy speaks fluent mandarin and teaches at a chinese university. smart guy.

anyways, our 1-hour session began with filling out name, address boring stuff for insurance. then he asked me what brought me here. i explained my experience with anxiety attacks and depression, but am getting much better now, however, i want to complete "cure" it, b/c sometimes i can still get a mild anxiety attacks, and still am unhappy. he then asked me about my life, where i was born, where i went to school, any siblings, who i came to the US with...

i was born in china, moved to the US when i was 11 with my mother at first. no siblings (one-child policy, c'mon who didn't know that?) when i was 6 months old, my mom left me on a business trip, i grew up with my grandmother until i was 2yrs old. then went back home to be with my parents, spent much of my time at day care.. mom and dad couldn't pick me up, so they arranged for other relatives to pick me up from day care, my aunts and uncles, the maid or the chauffer/body guard. the owner of the day care sees that they were so busy, she offered to take care of me in her house, and my parents came to visit me every weekend. i went to elementry school early b/c then i can start walking home with my friends and not have my parents pick me up. so they changed my birthday half yr early to 3/12/84, in stead of 9/12/84 (in china at that time, i had to be 6 by 9/1 to be eligible for school)

parents traveled throughout my elementry school life. i grew up with a live-in maid and the random drop-ins of aunts, uncles and cousins. i was very happy, though my parents were barely around, i never felt i was "missing" love.

Move to US, first yr was horrible, mom beat me almost everyday b/c i couldn't speak english. then the kids in school was beatting me and making fun of me, pushing me down the stairs, but i never told my mom anything afraid of her beating me for not being able to speak english to stand up for myself (does that make sense?) but by that time, i was seeing my mother everyday, finally had a family life, knowing what it feels like to come home to mom's cooking, not a maid's cooking.

anyways, that's as far as we've gotten in the first visit. he asked me if i think the absence of my mother in the early years could have affected me. quite honestly, i'm used to my parents not being there everyday. it was normal as many of my childhood friend's parents were around much either. we were all single child, played with each other and kept each other company while our parents were out there doing their thing. i don't think it affected me at all. i just learned how to be independent from an early age. bathing myself, brushing my own teeth, pick out my own clothes, you know the small stuff. she wasn't absent from my heart, i guess. i've always knew she loved me.

next visit, he's going to ask me more specific questions and we are gonna come up with a treatment plan. there is much to be unraveled. i don't necessarily feel "weak" or defeated to see a shrink. i think i've grew stronger to admit i need help. feeling sad, lonely, anxious and depressed is normal, those are normal emotions. it's just at certain situations to certain people, stress and anxity sets in more profoundly and gets out of control. it's hard to explain anxiety attacks and depression if you have never experienced it. But i suggest those who THINK they might have it, go get help. i tried to fight this battle on my own for almost 2 years, though i've gotten better, but im still not "fixed". there is much going on with our emotions that we cannot explain.

i hope this helps clear up some questions... by the way, i'm not taking Zoloft, i did some research on WEBMD, the drug reacts differently to different people.. it's too unstable to risk it. i'm not THAT depressed, where side effects are worth it. For now, i'll carry around my .25mg xanax, just in case....